


So I guess I have a diary now

by fallensnownekomata0211



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Abuse, And a Hug, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author fights for what they believe in, Author is an oblivious bisexual, Author is depressed, Author is fed up with this BS, Author needs help, Badly, Deppression, Fallen Protection Squad, Fuck 2020, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, The Author Regrets Nothing, Therian, Things written about happened irl, author needs fluff in their life of angst, authors point of view, they probably wont get it, this IS a diary after all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:23:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 58
Words: 24,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21787249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallensnownekomata0211/pseuds/fallensnownekomata0211
Summary: So I have problems. I heard talking helps. I'm anti social so I thought this would work instead of actually talking. Feel free to comment on this. I'm still trying to figure out what made me think this would be a good idea. I hope it works out. We'll see.
Comments: 81
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to comment to whatever I put in this thing. You don't have to if you don't want to, but I would appreciate your thoughts to this. I will respond to any comments in the next update. Updates will be random. Could be multiple a day, could be once a week. Depends on if and when I feel up to writing.

Soooo this is a thing now apparently. So about me I guess.

You can call me Fallen. It was inspired by my username, but don't call me Leo. Leo is another person who will be writing this hell diary of mine. She will write in italics and explain things that I can't.

Anyways, I'm a student with advanced classes and two part time jobs. I have an abusive father who I have left and a mom who loves me but is too overwhelmed with her own issues to care much about me and mine. I have two baby siblings, who I honestly might as well as raised due to mom being busy with work and her problems. I suffer from depression, self hate, and to a degree apathy(when it comes to certain topics) and anxiety. I'm an empath who has a difficult time telling the difference between my emotions and the emotions of others. Because of that, I am unable to block out others emotions. I am mildly suicidal(like, I wouldn't actively try to kill myself(at least, not anymore...), but if a car was about to hit me at a speed that would kill me I wouldn't try to move out of the way), and I have a history of self harm(I was careful about it, I left marks but not obvious ones, or ones that would scar badly). I am considered extremely smart by those around me, but have poor grades on report cards dues to an inability to get my classwork done. It is difficult for me to trust others because most in my life have betrayed me in some form or another. I am an insomniac who probably shouldn't be conscious most days.

I know at this point you are wondering why I'm writing this. Well, I've long needed to vent somehow, and I've been told talking helps. I'm an antisocial piece of garbage, and don't like 1. Talking in person, and 2 talking to those who I know about my problems. This solves both problems. So here we are.

This is mainly going to be a way to vent and complain about things in my life. I may also go on random tangents, so beware. You have been warned. If you don't like, don't read. 

That's all I have to say, from here Leo will write and finish this. I'm going to attempt to sleep.

_Hello. You may call me Leo. I'm...a friend of hers, for lack of better wording._

_ I probably won't write much, I'll mainly just explain certain things that Fallen writes as they come up. Those topics she is either unable to write about or she doesn't fully understand. I know her, more than she knows herself even. _

_I gave her the idea of doing this. So please, whoever reads this, please listen to her. Try to give her some support, because she gets barely any in her day to day life._

_She will most likely update this on Monday._


	2. 12/16/19

My weekend went surprisingly well, for the most part. One of my jobs is at an animal hospital, and I accidentally stabbed myself in the leg with an IV needle. Not fun. It hurts to walk. And to do anything really but thats because I had twisted my ankle, pulled a muscle in my wrist, and bruised my ribs and face moving stuff so we could redo our floors at home the day before. Back to topic at hand, I had a longer than usual shift, leaving me exhausted. Next day we went to a Christmas party a friend of moms was holding, where I made a meme friend. He's now blowing my phone up 24/7 with memes, which isn't all that bad. 

Im just...tired. I haven't had any proper sleep without the use of a sleep aid in years, and I cant take them often due to the fact that I sleep through any and all alarms when I do. It's not even just being physically tired. Im emotionally tired too. I mean, I have to put up a facade daily to make people think Im alright when Im not, and havent been for years. While I know there are people around me who care, they are just kids, kids who are barely coping with their own issues. Everyone expects me to be all cheerful and happy all the time, and Im not. I cant let them know that, because they either won't care or wont be able to do anything. I just want to rest. Truly rest. Not have anything to worry about and to just be at peace. Just sleep and wake up ready to face the world. But that will probably never happen. After all, fate is only kind to one, and I will never be that one. 

Its finals week right now, and my grades are terrible. My motivation seems to have taken skydiving lessons along with my ability to care, because I just feel like giving up. Im nothing but a screw up, and this is nothing more than evidence of that fact. Nothing I do will matter in the end, so why bother trying? I can barely even write the stories that I love, that I've put my heart into anymore. I hate being like this, but I can't break myself out of it. It hurts... It always hurts...

Im so tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of faking happiness. Tired of lying to myself that thing will be alright. Tired of merely surviving, never truly knowing the feeling of living. I just want it to end. Will I ever get peace? Ever? I doubt I will.

<strike>..somebody make me feel alive and shatter me... </strike>


	3. 12/17/19

To inane: thank you for your support. I honestly wasn't expecting anyone to really read this, so your comments were a welcome surprise. I'll try on the clumsiness, but I don't think that there's much that can be done for me. I get an injury of some sort almost every day, so yeah. I know there are people who care, but when it comes to those who are around me IRL, they are all kids who are barely coping with their own problems. Also, thanks for the nickname Fallen Angel. The idea of one is actually part of what inspired the name Fallen. It kinda symbolized me in a way: someone that most who don't know me well irl would compare to an angel, but has fallen and been tainted by the cruelty of the world.

Today's update. Today was peaceful and stressful all at once. I had a test that determines whether or not I get a certification in the pathway I'm doing in school. I didn't have to score well because the teacher herself stated that we as juniors probably wouldn't know half of what was on the test. Most people in my class scored in the twenties and thirties. I got 51%. Two more points, and I would have technically gotten a score high enough to get me certified. So close but so far. School otherwise was pretty peaceful. Home, not so much. Mom is upset at me because I had a couple c's on my report card(which isn't all that bad really, like, I would like higher scores, but I'm OK with a c), and she keeps asking me when my next one is due. She kept snapping at me over what seemed like the smallest things. For example, she got mad that when she said something I didn't know how to respond to, I didn't reply. It's something I've always done, that I don't even fully realize I'm doing, that she knows I do. If I don't know what to say, I just shut up. I close myself off. _She changes her body language to try and make herself seem smaller, less important, submissive. She hunches her shoulders, ducks her head, will refuse to make eye contact, and if she does talk its really quiet with a clear stutter. I think that it is because she is scared of the response she'll get. The more submissive, the lesser the punishment, I'm pretty sure is the logic._ She got mad at me for doing what is normal, unconscious behavior for me. She got mad that when I did answer, I stuttered, which is something I tend to do when nervous or anxious. Later on, I helped with my two adorable younger siblings, and made dinner. It turns out French onion soup isn't all that difficult to make. All in all, not the worst, but not good either.

Have you ever heard of the multiverse theory? Basically, the idea is that there is a universe, and every choice creates a new timeline for said universe. Every timeline that becomes drastically different from the original universe becomes a new universe with timelines of its own. I can't help but think on that. Does that means there's a me out there with a father who loves her? One with a mother who is proud of her? One who was strong enough to fight against the abuse? One who got what I always wanted, but never got: a happy family? One who is truly happy? One who could be herself without fear of being hated? What do I think about it? I don't know what to think if I'm being honest. There's so many possibilities, both good and bad. 

Why? Why can't I do anything right to her? Why does she hate me for things beyond my control? Why am I never good enough for her? I try and try and try my best, hoping it'll make her happy, but nothing works. I screw everything up...

_So Fallen is in the middle of an anxiety attack and is need of some alone time, so I'll finish the update. Keep in mind, she isn't going to like some of the stuff I'll mention, but she respects me enough to leave it up. Some important info on the relationship between her, her father, and her mother. Her mother has bp. She hasn't been diagnosed due to how she views mental issues like that, but her therapist stated that she probably has it, and even gave her medication for it, not that it is helping. She does care about Fallen, but is barely able to work through her problems enough to do anything. If anything, she takes her stress out on Fallen by making cruel remarks. She expects Fallen to be perfect, and lashes out at her when she is not, though again, i think this is unintentional. Her father, to put it as lightly as humanly possible, is an a**hole. He mentally abused her all her life, and there were a good few incidents that could be considered physical abuse. He's the reason that she believes herself to be worthless. Because of this, Fallen believes she is a waste of space and that she does nothing but cause problems and hurt people. He's the reason she became suicidal at as young and age as she did. _

So Leo was right when she said I wouldn't like it, but will leave it up. I meant to post this last night, but passed out before I could.


	4. 12/18/19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I meant to write this yesterday, but fell asleep before I could. Gotta love insomnia crashes*rolls eyes*

To A201k: Thank you for your support. When it comes to me being open, that's a large part of why I started this. I can't really be open much in my real life, so I figured this would be where I could be myself. When it comes to my jobs and classes, only one of the jobs are consistent, there other is a seasonal job that I do throughout the year. As for classes, well, I'm doing them. I didn't say I'm doing them well. I get good test scores, but my grades overall suck because I can hardly ever motivate myself to do my work. And don't worry about not being able to say what you want to easily, I'm the exact same way. That's something I don't think ever changes no matter how old you are.

School was good for the most part, beyond me nearly breaking my neck at the bottom of a stairwell. Whoever put grease at the bottom of the stairwell is an a**hole. My friend nearly face planted and if I hadn't caught myself I could have injured or even broken my neck seeing as I fell towards the stairs. The only good thing was that since it was the medical wing, had somebody actually been injured, there would be people nearby who could help. Now that I think about it, it's kinda ironic. I nearly got badly injured in the hallway where we learn to treat injuries.

Home was fairly alright. Mom asked about my grades, so I told her what I thought they were. Then we went to the store. On the way, I learned an important lesson: don't put hot coffee in your metal water bottle with a straw. It will act like a volcano and spray burning hot coffee all over you and and anything within a three foot radius. Yeah... That was not fun in a car... Anyways, otherwise my day went pretty well. 

I scared, my grades aren't going to be good, and mom is going to be mad. I know I need to bring my grades up, but I just can't bring myself to do anything about it. I can't bring myself to care. Its a struggle. Either I do my work and destroy what remains of my mental health, or I work on my mental health and kill my grades. I tried to explain to mom what the problem is, but she is in the firm belief that if she can "take care" of her mental health and us kids while she works, then I can power through and do the same. Only problem is, she isn't really taking care of herself, I'm generally the one who cooks meals, and I'm the one who is with the kids when she works late on her computer. I feel overwhelmed, like no matter what I do it just isn't going to get better. I can't bring myself to care how my grades are dropping, and to me, who feels everything, all the time, extremely strongly, it hurts. Like, I feel like I'm missing something important, but at the same time it's like a mild reprieve from the chaos I feel all the time. I don't know how to explain it.

I discovered a song called NVM, and holy sh*t is that relatable. It's actually pretty accurate for my situation, to the point it's kinda scary. I'm not even talking about just part of the song, no, that entire thing was spot on. I literally discovered my mental state perfectly explained in a song like wtf.


	5. 12/21/19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My shortest entry yet dear lord.

First day of winter break! Woooohooooo! I don't have to deal with kids being idiots at school!!!

Today was rather good, which was a surprise in and of itself. Work was relatively boring. We ran out of stuff tondo quickly, so we cleaned all the parts of the hospital. When I got home, mom had to leave so she could help a friend of hers dye her hair, so I stayed back and watched my siblings. I swear they are the embodiments of chaos and cuteness. How they could look so cute as they made as large of a mess they did, I will never know. That's really all that's happened today.

Sleep is avoiding me again, which is annoying because my body is exhausted from working and chasing kids all day. Maybe I could take my sleep aid? I don't have an alarm to wake up to after all... I think the better question is would mom let me get away with sleeping in... Probably not, but Ima try anyway.

Welcome to the land of exhaustion. Who needs sleep? Not me, apparently.


	6. 1/13/20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!!!

I'm alive!!! I've been on a sort of emotional and physical crash during the holidays.

Things have been sorta OK lately I guess. Mom has still been snappy, but she's getting a social life again and I think that is helping. I had taken a practice ACT a few months ago, and I got my scores back last week. I got a 29 on my composite score!! Yaay!!! I got fanart on the story I'm writing! There are no words to describe just how happy I was about that. I'm going to post it with my next chapter, which should be finished soon if all goes well. I also got a Twitter, which I hadn't ever expected to get, but here we are. I got a new collar type choker, which I'm happy about as it helps calm me when I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. My old one was cheap and started falling apart after a couple months, but this one is much better made, so it will hopefully last much longer.

Mentally, I'm... Not sure of how I am. Like, I'll have some days that seem good, but most others I'm fighting to not cry myself to sleep. I keep having those thoughts of self hatred repeating in my mind. Things like I'm not good enough, I'm just a disappointment, a mistake, a glitch in the system of this world that everything would be better without. I keep feeling so much rage and self pity that I have no reason to feel. I keep finding myself asking what I did to deserve whatever is happening to me, and I keep having to remind myself that it could be worse. I keep feeling all these emotions that have been hidden for years, and I can't show them. If I do, someone is going to get hurt, and it will probably just be me as the only ones who can help don't give a d*mn, meaning in my trying to release my years of pain and rage, I'm most likely just going to add onto it. 

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of trying my best for nothing. I'm tired of giving everything I ever cared about besides my pack up for someone who doesn't care. I'm tired of never being good enough for her no matter what I do. I'm tired of being a disappointment. I'm tired of hiding my pain day after day. I'm tired of being hated for things out of my control. I'm tired of being treated like a terrible person for simply trying to do something for myself for once. I'm tired of having to hide that I'm doing something for myself because due to bad grades I apparently don't deserve the things that help me keep from completely falling apart. I'm tired of her not listening whenever I try to talk to her, her always cutting me off. I'm tired of having nothing I do matter in the end. I'm tired of not being allowed any privacy, because apparently I don't deserve that anymore either. She BANNED ME from writing a story about someone healing from a painful past a year ago because she thought it would make my depression worse. She never even let me explain before she deleted my story. My writing is a way for me to try and vent. But she didn't care.

When I left my abusive father almost a year ago, I thought I would finally be able to focus on myself so I could work on finally getting better. What a joke. Guess what happened. Almost the complete opposite. The only real differences is that since I actually care about her, it hurts far more than what my father did, at least my father let me keep my privacy, and I doubt she even really realizes what she's doing. My father knew what he was doing. I'm not sure she does.

_Fallens mom made her take down the curtain she had been using as a door because she doesn't have one because she was spending too much time in her room while her mom needed help. Keep in mind, Fallen gets almost no time to herself(none depending on the day), which is really unhealthy for someone as introverted as she is. She NEEDS time to herself, privacy, and the ability to do things such as her writing freely without fear of the reactions of those around her. Her mother is depriving her of all of that, meaning she is not only putting her in an even worse spot mentally, but she took away Fallens safe place, which has now made it to the point that she is almost always on the verge of breaking down. Fallen had been busting her *ss to try and help, she only needed a maybe half hour long break. Guess who didn't get a break. I swear I need to set up a Fallen Protection Squad or something, because this child has gone through way too much sh*t._


	7. 1/21/20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take a guess on who's depression is back with a vengeance.

I got my report card back. I had three Cs, all in classes that would require me to do some of my work at home. Only problem is, I couldn't do the work at home because almost all, if not all of my time home that isn't spent eating or sleeping is spent helping my mom around the house(speaking of which, we finally got the flooring done!! No more fear of splinters!!). She got mad at me when she found out, but I was too scared to tell her, and she wouldn't even give me chance to explain why. I had hidden it from her for a couple days, and that made her more mad, which yes, was my own fault, however I knew she would react badly no matter what. She asked why I didn't trust her to not react in a really bad way, but I don't think she would listen if I told her I have trust issues after the abuse I went through, how she acts about what I tell her, and how others have acted when I trusted them. 

I started getting college letters. So far, I have one from university of Tennessee, and one inviting me to a medical program in the summer. I hope I'm able to go to the program. Mom keeps telling me I should give up on going into veterinary like I want to because of my grades. She says no college beyond a community college will accept me with grades like mine, and that I will probably fail those too. I don't want to give up on veterinary. I work part time at an animal hospital, and I love my job there. I love doing my medical classes, especially when we are able to be hands on. I don't want to give up on my passion, but what if she's right..?

So I know I've mentioned pack before. To me, pack is a group of friends who might as well be family, who I put even over my blood family. We are a group of misfits in a way only we could really understand. One of my pack, Akemi, said it was because we have human minds, but feral souls. To me, pack is everything. I would do anything for one of my pack. I have four people who I consider as pack, but two I haven't had contact with in a long while, and the third just moved today. One member, Raikou, went to a different school during softmore year. I tried to stay in contact with her, but she just dropped off. The second, Koray, I want to be in contact with, but my mom won't let me message him because she doesn't think he bus completely honest(the boy can't lie to save his life). My third pack member, Akemi, had to move recently, and I just found out today that she isn't going to my school anymore. I have one more pack member, Kiba, who is still around, but as she's a senior, she'll be leaving for college at the end of the semester. Leo is close to me, but I can't consider her pack. It's... Difficult to explain. But soon, all of my pack will be gone. The people who I'm closest to are either gone, leaving, or will have to leave soon. It hurts.

Raikou, if you ever find this, I miss you. I still care about you, and I still worry about you. I hope you're happy wherever you are, whatever you are doing.

Koray, if you find this, I'm so sorry for not answering. My mom won't let me message you back. I want you to know that I love you. I don't think its romantic like I'd thought in the past, more platonic or like a sibling, but I still love you, and I always will. Stay strong for me, okay, moonlight?

Akemi, if you see this, message me on my wattpad, ask Kiba the red head angel wolf for my username. She knows it. If you don't have her number, ask one of the others still at the school. You know my mom won't let me message you through my phone. If possible, let's try to meet up on our 18th birthday, since its the same day, OK? I hope that you enjoy your new school, and that the spirits in your house leave you alone so you can sleep. Hopefully the meeting with the medium will help you a bit. Also, kick that one girls *ss in ROTC. She deserves it. Be happy, dawn. You deserve it.

I love you guys. I'll miss you three.


	8. 1/28/19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My weekend, and the confusing thing called emotions.

To sugarblossom: Thank you for your support! Your words reminded me of a lot about how I was in the past. Believe it or not I was extremely optimistic in the past. Over the years, as everything decided to go to hell, I gradually became the pessimistic, depressed insomniac I am today. When it comes to surviving for myself, I'm not entirely certain there. I nearly tried to end it all many times in the past. The only thing that stopped me was the knowledge that it would hurt some of the people around me. If it weren't for that fact, I would have done it many years ago. Thank you for reading this. Every time I check on my works and see that more people have read this, it's a reminder that there are those who care. And don't worry about being offensive. You weren't at all, and I'm extremely happy to have read what you wrote. _When I (semi-jokingly at the time) wrote about the protection squad, I wasn't expecting anyone to join. You have no idea what it means to both me and Fallen to see someone say something like that. Thank you, so, so much._

This weekend was... Interesting to say the least. I had to do a cat bath at work, and now there are claw marks all over my upper arms and torso. This was from a Maine coon, a cat that is known to be extremely large for a house cat and supposedly really likes water. The size was as expected, but the water thing was false, at least for this cat. I managed to get my curtain door back up, so yaay. Mom had one of her friends over and I had to change into my pajamas, so I put it up and she (surprisingly) didn't say anything when I kept it up. So yay I have some semblance of privacy again. There's really only so much one can have when the live in a shot gun house where the only actual doors either go outside, to the bathroom, or to the basement, but I will accept as much as I can get. I discovered a video that my mother had a friend take on her phone at a bar that showed my mother going on stage and dancing with Batman themed drag queens while rather drunk, and consequently laughed my *ss off. My mother can't dance to save her life when she is sober. Its hilarious to see her do it while drunk. The drag queens just rolled with it, which made it that much more funny.

Yesterday and today were....something, and I'm not sure what exactly. Have you ever been both extremely proud and disappointed in yourself all at the same time? That's what I'm feeling right now, and its weird. I'm proud because of something that happened yesterday. I had a bit of an emotional breakdown during my French class last week cause of my report card, and yesterday some kids asked how I was doing. This one d*ck decided to make the comment of "Why do you even bother with asking her? She's always like this, and it's annoying. She's probably faking it." Have any of you played Undertale? I have (I love it, I actually have a story on here for it), and I have what would be an integrity soul. I don't like lying. I'm honest to a point most of the time, but I also will bend the truth and lie if I feel I have a good reason to(not that I will here. This is where I'm being honest). My problems are not something I would lie about. I hate that someone would imply that I would fake an emotional breakdown just for attention. So, reasonably, I got rather ticked off. I may be emotional to a fault, but it takes a lot to make me truly angry. When I get angry, I'm generally the loud rash type. When I am completely and utterly p*ssed? I become extremely cold and straight forward, strangely calm as I call them out and make them regret their decisions. I looked over at him and said "How dare you speak like that. You don't know a thing. All you know about me is what I've revealed during this class, which isn't even the tip of the glacier. Do you know what I've been through? Do you know what I have done? Do you know what I've witnessed? Do you know anything about the thoughts going through my head at a given moment? No? Then maybe shut the hell up. You don't know anything about me. I may not have had it as bad as I could have, but it hasn't exactly been a walk in the park either. Maybe next time you see someone who is in the middle of a mental breakdown or someone who went through one recently, maybe act like a decent human being and see if they are okay. If you can't do that, at least be silent and not an *sshole. You would think that you would have learned this by now seeing as you're a senior. Obviously not. Now, do me, the teacher, and the class a favor, shut up, keep your rude *ss to yourself, and do your work for once instead of sleeping. If your going to sleep, finish you work first. Even I, the insomniac who can and will pass out during any class, at least finish my work first unless I crash. That's sad when the insomniac who doesn't get proper sleep six out of seven days at best, more often than not its weeks on end, can do this, you f*cking d*ck." My teacher was in the room and heard my speech. I didn't get in trouble. He legit applauded me and let me go to my next periods classroom so I could calm down. My other classmates described it as feeling like hell had frozen over in the room and that I was the devil himself. So yeah. That happened. I think I handled it well. The kid stayed far away from me afterwards, so I think he took my words to heart. I'm disappointed in myself for today though. That kids words made the depressive and self hating thoughts come back with a vengeance, and I went back to a habit I thought I had broken. I actually made cuts this time though. Before, I made marks, but never cut the skin. Even actively suicidal me didn't actually cut, it was too much a risk of them being seen. It still is. I hope I can hide them until they heal. Strange thing though, was that the thoughts shut up much quicker this time than they would before. That's why I did it, the physical pain calmed the turmoil in my mind. The cuts were much more effective than what I had done before. I thought I had finally broken the habit. I can't believe I had a relapse that bad. I thought I wouldn't do it anymore, that I wouldn't feel a need to anymore. I didn't think that kids words would affect me that badly. I guess I was wrong.

That's all for right now. I'm going to go to sleep. I hope everything goes well for all those reading this.


	9. 2/4/20

To sugarblossom: Thanks for what you have said:). I don't really consider myself brave, I'm honestly quite the coward most of the time. I don't know what came over me when I did it tbh. Most of my french class are actually pretty cool people, it is just the one kid who is like that thankfully. Thank you for not judging me for my screw up. Most of those around me would treat what I did as a sign of weakness, and then I see you telling me that I'm strong. It means a lot to me to see someone say that.

This weekend was fairly uninteresting, nothing exciting happed. My injuries are almost completely healed, although you can still clearly see marks from them. Yesterday was pretty peaceful. I spent most of my evening just watching my siblings while mom had a friend help her with her hair. She was in a terrible mood today though, and as per usual, it was taken out on me. She was originally mad because I accidentally left some food out overnight(which only happened because I passed out while getting my brother to sleep), and as the day went on she just seemed to find more reasons to be mad, such as not doing what she asked fast enough(one can only go so fast once they hit a certain point in sleep deprivation), never having homework(its not like I'd be able to do it even if I told her about it, I'm too busy helping her), ect. She said that I lied about things that I A. Didn't lie about, and B. Had no reason to lie about. We were literally just talking about stain treating laundry-_-. She said I lied. About stain treating laundry. Because that makes sense*rolls eyes*. She wouldn't listen when I told her I wasn't lying because she couldn't get the spray nozzle to work, so I apparently couldn't have either(I didn't even KNOW it wasn't working right until yesterday, how could I have lied?). So yeah. Its been a day.

Why does she treat me like this? I know she has her issues, I get that BPD is hard to work through and her meds aren't working, but i don't know what I did wrong. I must have done something to make her always angry at me like this, right? Like, we're both pretty f*cked up, but she wouldn't treat me like a mistake and a disappointment for no reason. I must have done something, but she won't tell me what, and I can't try to fix it if she doesn't tell me. I want her to be happy, but I want to be happy too...

<strike>I didn't know what I got into.</strike>

<strike>I can never go back no matter how I wish I could, so what more can I do?</strike>

<strike>Here in the end its just me and you.</strike>

<strike>I never wanted to play by all Fates rules.</strike>

<strike>A knife in hand I've been playing out the part of the fool.</strike>

<strike>So here we go, you can judge me thoroughly.</strike>

<strike>Its too late for apologies.</strike>

<strike>Go ahead and just hit me since your able.</strike>

<strike>We know my determinations been unstable.</strike>

<strike>I'm not even mad because I keep on dying.</strike>

<strike>Yet why do I still keep on trying?</strike>

<strike>This isn't what I wanted yet its what I asked for.</strike>

<strike>Always putting you before my heart.</strike>

<strike>I took away your perfect happy ending, while tearing myself into pieces.</strike>

<strike>I am made o~f, lo~ve, lo~ve.</strike>

<strike>I know who you are.</strike>

<strike>You recall who I am.</strike>

<strike>We know that when I was younger we had grown to be like friends.</strike>

<strike>But no matter what I did, it just hurt you in the end.</strike>

<strike>Now every time you throw me down I hope you kill me once again.</strike>

<strike>Go ahead and just hit me since your able.</strike>

<strike>All this sin that I can feel is unbearable.</strike>

<strike>I gave everything I had up for you.</strike>

<strike>Now these consequences last forever.</strike>

<strike>The flowers are in bloom as the birds will tell.</strike>

<strike>Its beautiful day to be burning in hell.</strike>

<strike>I truly hate this.</strike>

<strike>I've had to fight Fate.</strike>

<strike>And now I know how to end this pain...</strike>

<strike>I'm entirely made o~f, lo~ve, lo~ve,</strike>

<strike>But I'll give up for you.</strike>


	10. 2/11/20

sugarblossom: It means a lot to see someone say that. I may not feel brave, but its things like what you said that remind me I might one day. Thank you^_^

PurplePanda9: I know that what you said is true, but after all this time I can't help but feel like its my fault in some way. She has told me I remind her of herself when she was younger in the past, so that may be it, but I'm not sure. Also, thank you for your encouraging words. I don't hear stuff like that much irl, so it always brings a smile to my face to see something like that. So thank you.

Today was great. As of today, I'm now seventeen. Today has probably been the happiest I've been in a long while. I got to enjoy great vegan food and a chocolate cake. I didn't get any gifts or anything, but I don't need or want any material items anyways (beyond food, food is love, food is life), so its not a big deal. I'm going to try to update my story either tonight or tomorrow, so I'm excited for that. If you are into Undertale, check it out. Its not the greatest, but I'm pretty proud of what I've got, even if I'm not able to get chapters written nearly as quickly as I would like.

Not much has happened otherwise. Its peaceful, but a tense kind of peaceful, like the calm before the storm. You KNOW something is about to happen, and it's not likely to be good, but you don't know WHAT. I've been on edge because of it. Jumpier, and a lot more agitated, although I've been trying to hide it. It's been screwing up my sleep even more than usual. I hope everything turns out alright and I'm being paranoid over nothing, but my instincts on something of this nature are rarely wrong. Mom has been calmer lately, but I think that might be because for the most part she's either just not been there or was unconscious. Idk. I'm not against alone time though, so I'm not complaining.


	11. 2/17/20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Rage Rant ahead

So I'm rather p*ssed right now, and have been since yesterday. Why? It started off with work. We had a different supervisor then usual, our normal one had a family event, and under normal circumstances this would be no big deal. This lady, however, should NEVER have been a supervisor. She came in late, barely did her job when it came to us employees, and because she didn't write a medication chart for some animals, us employees didn't know they needed meds, and so we had animals dying at the end of the shift. I won't find out if they lived until next Saturday. The best part? THIS WASN'T THE FIRST TIME. It happened so much that she was legit taken off supervisor duty on the shift she did it on. So by the end of the shift, everyone is stressed, me and one coworker are freaking out because we worked with these animals multiple times that day, and another is in tears because one of the doctors said something that is pretty f*cked up. The doc made a comment, about my coworker who was trying to help but wasn't told ANYTHING, saying that you shouldn't send a high schooler who obviously doesn't know what to do. 1.This girl is the same age as me. 2. Our normal supervisor is only one year older than me, and does her job better than the almost thirty year old we had as supervisor that day, to the point that the doctors will ask her for help at times. 3. Had my coworker known what the problem was, she would have easily been able to help. I get the doc was stressed because of dying animals, but you just don't say something like that in front of the person you're talking about. Really shouldn't say that at all. So many adults treat me and others my age as if because we're younger, we obviously don't know as much as they do, and because of that our efforts aren't as important as theirs. Why? Many of us know just as much as, if not more than ,the adults treating us that way. They treat us like we are children, when we are almost adults, if not already adults. Its ridiculous. My mother has that stupid google family link on my phone, making it so I literally can't do ANYTHING on it without her knowledge. And while I'm not doing anything I shouldn't, I don't want her knowing about everything I do. It can track my location, make it so I can't download apps without her permission, have a time limit of how long I can be on it, and more. She thinks that because I'm a minor she can treat me like an idiotic child who must be watched at every moment when I'm one year away from being an adult. She treats me like I'm lesser, rather than an equal. Its stupid. She gets on me for my grades, when I'm doing the best I can and am constantly on the verge of breaking down because of it. I'm just about at the point of saying f*ck it because no matter what I do it won't be good enough in the end. No matter what people like my mom and the doc from yesterday will see me and others like me as lesser than them. People wonder why I hate humanity at times. Here is just one reason why.

Sorry about that. I need to get that out of my system.


	12. 2/18/20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> F*ck  
My  
Life

Thank you to sugarblossom, your comment was literally the only good thing about today. For somewhat improving my mood on this hell of day, thank you.

Whoever the hell decided illnesses was a good idea is a d**che. This sums today up rather well. I'm pretty sure I have the stomach bug. I literally can not eat or sit up without feeling like I'm gonna puke. That's not even including the migraine and the fact that if feel like I'm going to fall over every time I stand up. I'm gonna hate myself tomorrow seeing as the only things I was able to eat today was a pack of seaweed and a couple biscuits. I didn't eat much yesterday either since I was too busy. Am I being whiney? Yes. Do I feel like sh*t? Also yes.

May all reading this never get what I have.

Edit: I just heard some guy shout out "F*ck!!!" Out of nowhere outside at almost 10pm. Never have I related so much to someone in this neighborhood lol


	13. 2/20/20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Self discovery, stress, and no longer sick, not necessarily in that order.

Good news! I'm no longer sick! Hurray! It felt like a mild version of the flu. I'm just happy its over with.

Mom is made at me for my grades. She wants to pull me out of my school and have me do online homeschooling. I tried to explain to her how important my friends were to me, but she didn't care. During our argument(this just happened yesterday), I found out what she really thought about my problems. See, about a year ago, I almost did something incredibly stupid. I almost attempted suicide. I had reached a breaking point, but she was the reason I didn't go through with my attempt. I haven't had any attempts since, but it's been incredibly tempting at times. That day I reached a breaking point, and I never had a chance to fully recover. Do you remember what I said about faking my issues? How that's not something I would fake or do for attention, and how I hate people thinking that? Evidently, my mom thinks I only pretended like I was going to kill myself. She forgets that nobody knew where I was when this happened and that I knew just where and how I would do it. She got on me for saying I was always fine._ It's the one lie Fallen will ever tell when it comes to her mental state. She doesn't like to worry others._ So yeah. Things are rather quickly falling apart, and it's really a matter of time before something hits it's limits. It'll probably be me.

So at this point, I'm sure you're wondering what I meant by self discovery. It was less of a discovery, and more of an acceptance. Have you ever heard of Therians? Basically, they are people who identify as a non-human animal on a personal level. You don't become a therian, you just are one. You know if you are one. They are not the people who say they can physically shape shift. Therians know they are physically human and accept that, they just also consider themselves to be there animal as much as they consider themselves human. They are not furries(furries are anthro, not natural animals). Well, I've finally come to the acceptance of what I am. I am a therian, a snow leopard kin to be precise. I'm thinking I might change my username to reflect what I am. It just doesn't seem right to have my user mentioning a lion when I'm a snow leopard, you know? It may just be me. Please do not judge me because of what I am. Me being a therian makes me no different from other humans, it just shows what I believe myself to be.


	14. 3/3/20

To sugarblossom: thank you for your support. Many would think I'm either weak or weird for these kind of admissions, so seeing someone as supportive and understanding as you are has been a great help.

Today was chaos. Literal. Chaos. At least three fights broke out in school today, and I almost got caught up in one of them. I was just trying to eat my breakfast. ;-; A girl landed on top of my milk. ;-; There are now videos of it on Instagram, and you can see me sitting there, unable to move because I was surrounded on all sides, internally screaming "HELP". My emotions were haywire today. My empathy normally just makes me confused on what I'm feeling, but today, it was like I felt everything from everyone and nothing from anyone even from myself all at the same time. Does that make sense? Idk, but I can't think of a better way to describe it. It was messing with me badly all day. Strong(er than usual, seeing as I normally feel thing rather strongly) emotions I've learned can make me kinda nauseous. I felt legit sick most of today, the nausea was so bad. I'm pretty sure I had at least one panic attack today as well, or I was going in and out of one most of today. I've only had them a couple times in the past, such as when there were bad arguments going on in the house I was at between adults(whichever parent I was with at the time and whoever they were dating), so its hard to tell. I don't remember what triggered it. All I remember was that one moment I felt fairly alright, the next I was very not, and I had to try and bring myself out of it without anyone realizing because I was in the middle of class. I don't think anyone realized. I had to put up an act for almost the entirety of the day, pretending to be OK, and it's left me exhausted. I'm not okay. I don't know what I am exactly, but it's not okay. Okay people don't keep going in and out of a panic attack for the entirety of a day. Okay people aren't so overwhelmed that they physically feel sick. I'm so tired of this...

To my mom, if you ever see this, the things I want to say to you but never will:

I wish you would listen. You hear me speak, but you never listen. You don't even really give me a chance to speak, seeing as you like to cut me off mid sentence all the time. You asked why I lie about being fine to you? Because I care about you. You're hurting. You're always hurting. I don't want you to hurt. I try not to be a burden and tell you of my problems because I'm scared you wouldn't be able to take it. You've "joked" about wanting to die when you were overwhelmed in the past, many times. We both know you weren't. So I keep all my hurt buried inside, so you won't see it. I can't tell you how much you have hurt me, because if I did, it would hurt you beyond belief, if you even believed me. How many times now have you taken an issue I've brought up that I'm struggling with and then said that the only reason I have that problem is because I'm not putting forth enough effort into fixing it? That's not how it works. There are issues I can't fix on my own, or even at all in some cases, and you're not helping. I know you want what is best for me, but the way you treat me for making mistakes is why I feel like I can't tell you anything. Your emotions are always so strong, so overpowering. I can't describe how it feels to senses nothing but disappointment from you all the time, no matter what I do. I can't describe the effect that your angry, hurt, careless words have on me. Whether you say it aloud or not, I know. I know what you think of me. I'm a disappointment. I'm aggravating. I'm overly emotional. I'm weak. I'm a liar. I'm just like the rest of my fathers family. I know that's what you think of me. I know you, and that's more than you can really say about me. I'm no longer certain if you even really care about me. Are you putting up an act like I do? Only instead of pretending to be okay, you pretend to care about me and love me? Your love has become so hollow... I wish you knew just how hard I'm trying. How hard I fight to keep up a smile. How hard I work so for once your smile towards me is genuine. How many nights I've spent silently crying myself to sleep, afraid that you hate me. How terrified I am of the person who I gave my childhood up for hating me. I was always there for you. Whenever you needed to talk, I was there. When you needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there. Hell, even when all you needed was a pot of coffee, I was the one to make it for you. I grew up faster than I should have, because both your need for me and dads abuse. I love you. But I'm not sure how much more I'll be able to last before I snap. I can't keep this in forever. I shouldn't have had to for so long. How I never flipped out on you I will never know. When I do, please, shut up and listen to me for once. Hear me out. Don't cut me off. Don't blame it all on me. Take what I'm saying as fact, and not personal opinion you can easily ignore seeing as its coming from your teenage daughter. Please. I can't take this. It hurts so much...

_Leo here. If you haven't noticed the username change, Fallen did go through with changing it. So, seeing as we both based our nicknames on her username, and I don't see the point of keeping my old nickname seeing as the username changed, please refer to me as Snow from here on out. Fallen isn't doing too well. I don't think she's slept more than four or five hours a night without either crashing or using her sleep aid for the last few weeks from how stressed she's been. I don't know how much more she can take, and her entire family seems to think that all of her problems are all her fault and should be easily fixable. Yeah no. They are all f*cking idiots. I need to get Fallen a new collar, or at least figure out how to make one, because the one she has is slowly falling apart. She needs that collar. It's like a comfort blanket for her, it helps keep her calm, which is why she almost never takes it off. I just hope it won't be too hard to make one for her, seeing as her current one is almost split in two..._


	15. 3/8/20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are falling apart.

To sugarblossom: I'm trying to hang in there. Its been difficult, but I'll do the best I can.

As I guess you can tell by the summary, this week has not been a good one. For this entire week, mom just got more and more snappy. Then yesterday came. Yesterday was BAD. Work was chaos. One of my coworkers had to go to immediate care because a blue eye (a term I discovered that when used to reference an animal, means the animal can go from loving to trying to kill in .5sec without warning) cat bit her badly. As if that wasn't bad enough, my report card came in. Mom's now for certain going to pull me out of school. She's going to separate me from the last of my pack. And her reaction...

She hates me now. While she didn't outright say it, you could tell. She sees me as nothing but a disappointment. She's been acting calm today, but that's all it was. An act. The one who means the world to me hates me. It hurts. It hurts so f*cking much. I can't show her. When I was in tears yesterday because of her yelling at me, she said that I was only pretending to be upset. She doesn't care. Not anymore. Did she ever, really? I don't know anymore... Why couldn't I tell her? Just how much she's hurt me, about everything that I've been dealing with? Is it because I'm scared of what she'll do? Why? Why am I always such a f*cking coward..?


	16. 3/16/20

To sugarblossom: Don't worry. Simply being able to vent and know that someone is listening and cares is a huge help. It may not seem like much, but it means the world to me.

To Loreilei Hiroshi/Loreilei+Hiroshi: Thank you for the complements:). I've heard So Am I, but I'd never heard of Little Fang until you recommended it. I'm honestly in love with that song now lol. And thank you for your support. Like I told sugarblossom, simply knowing that there are people who care and listen to what I have to say means the world to me. So thank you.

This last week hasn't been all that bad. School was fairly calm during the time I went. I skipped school on Thursday for an orientation / test for the e-school, so I should be hearing about that soon. The good thing I learned about that is that I'd still have to leave my house to go to a brick and mortar building every weekday, so yaaay!!! I'll still have some semblance of freedoooom!!! Friday the county I'm in said that school would be out for the next few weeks to try to quarantine the corona outbreak in the county(added on to spring break), so I'm going to try and relax a bit. Work was mostly good. It was good until me and my coworkers had to be outside in the rain at 40°F for two hours cleaning the outside of the building in scrubs. That sucked. A lot. I don't mind the cold, and I don't mind being wet, but I cannot stand both at the same time. Today was good if you don't include the fact that my sister has a fever (we think she's teething) and I've either been sick or dealing with haywire allergies. I'm hoping its allergies. I honestly doubt it seeing as mom seems to be having the same symptoms I am. So joy. If I'm sick, its either a cold, or I have corona, seeing as its spreading like a wildfire would in California. So yeah. Just what I needed. Otherwise, its been pretty good. I got to sleep in. It was wonderful. 

May all of you have a good day/week/however long it takes for me to update this again.


	17. 3/27/20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good news, bad news, and omdfg news. So much for peace during quarantine...

Good news: the last week and a half went well, and I got a 3ds! Yaaay! I also made a YouTube channel and posted a video! My channel name is just FallenSnowNekomata. Check it out! Here's a link! <https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WV2XkiUjeks>

Bad news: today we had to get rid of my cat. We loved the hell out of him, but he kept spraying. To those who don't know, male cat pee not only smells terrible, but its oily and you'll be extremely lucky if you manage to get rid of the smell. It's near impossible.

Now for the worst news, the reason I currently am freaking the f*ck out: SOME LITERALLY JUST TRIED TO BREAK INTO MY GOD D*MN HOUSE. He broke the glass on the security door, and we think he almost tried to break into the basement through a window when that didn't work. Had he gotten inside we would have been screwed. Most of the doors are SCREEN DOORS. I went into a full blown panic attack(come to think of it, how did mom not notice? Either she was too anxious to tell, or I'm better at hiding my anxiety than I thought). I'm still really freaked out. I'm going to be lucky if I can sleep tonight, and I have work tomorrow... I'm so nervous I legit feel f*cking sick... Hopefully work will be calm, because I sure am not.


	18. 4/9/20

I'm alive!!!

I managed to get a new chapter written and posted for my story a week ago, so I'm really happy about that, and I'm making good progress with the next chapter and a new video. I'll probably be able to get it done sooner once the Chromebooks the school is sending us quarantined students arrive, since then I'll be able to freely write then(Mom can't track me on a Chromebook). So yay!

Also, I now have a dog. He's a white German Shepherd, and is adorable. Bad news though, is that we are going to have to give him to someone because he's started growling at my sister and we can't risk the kids safety like that. I cry. He's great with older children and adults. Anything else, not so much.;-;

I'm not proud of myself right now. With how my life has been growing up, I tend to try to do everything on my own, and its not like there's anyone I can rely on at home. Because of that, I'm generally pretty overwhelmed, meaning I can forget to take care of myself in rather stupid and kinda important ways. I mean, forgetting to take a shower for a couple days because you're helping with siblings and you don't want to take one at 11pm is one thing. Forgetting to eat for the same reason is another. I, being an overwhelmed, forgetful idiot, do both. I've barely eaten a full meal a day these last couple days, and I'm feeling the effects. I'm honestly kinda surprised I haven't blacked out or anything, cause that tends to happen when I don't eat much due to my high metabolism. I'm pretty sure I mostly run on chocolate and seaweed at this point tbh. Moms been making me get up early, and its messing with my natural night owl tendencies. I'm exhausted. Seriously, how tf am I conscious? I sleep maybe 4-5hrs a night max, so how??? Its 1am where I am rn, so???? I am much confuzled. I truely believe my body and mind hate me lol


	19. 4/18/20

To sugarblossom: trust me, just knowing someone out there cares helps. I'm trying to take care of myself. Its not easy, but A for effort.

So I'm taking somewhat better care of myself. If nothing else, my eating habits are slightly better(as in I'm eating more snacks lol). Sleep hasn't gotten any better, but I honestly wasn't expecting it to.

I got my chromebook, and I officially both love and hate my online classes. On one hand, most of my classes are way easier now. On the other hand, I got spectacularly f*cked over on my math and french classes. Those took at least ten hours to finish;-;. At least I can access my fanfic stuff a lot easier now.

I'm in so much pain right now its not even funny. My knee was already messed up(it does this thing where the kneecap will pop out of place then pop back in in a split second. It hurts like hell and I can barely put my weight on it for a while after it happens) and after I stabbed myself in the leg with a needle at work (mentioned in earlier entry) it is almost always somewhat hurting. It hurts worse when I crouch down or stand up. Well my knee almost did its thing, so now my leg is throbbing. Add that on to the fact that my hands and arms were scratched up by a very large dog and I fell down concrete stairs into gravel trying to avoid mama robin from hell(I still don't know what I did to anger the birb), I'm sore and look like I ran through a rosebush or something. Hopefully I won't be as sore tomorrow, cause I have to watch the kids while moms at work...


	20. 4/22/19

To Saw Rose: Thank you for all that you said. Just as you don't pity me for my situation, I won't pity you for yours. We are so alike in our situations I feel like that would be hypocritical of me to do so. Remember, all the things you told said about me being brave and not being worthless apply to you as well. I may not have met you, but I can tell you are a good person who deserves far better than what you have. The offer you made goes both ways. If you ever need to talk or vent, I'm here for you. And remember, you will make it through this. Like you gave me a song quote, I'll give you one as well. These lyrics have always helped me stay strong, and I hope they do the same for you. The song is called Unbreakable. "Don't tell me I'm not good enough! Don't you bring me down! I'm moving on, and you're over now! You gave me fire every time you came around! My feet are steady on the ground, and you won't knock me down no more~! Now I'm unbreakable."

To sugarblossom: online classes... Hahaha.... Your about to see the results of them.

**LeT tHe InSaNiTy CoMeNcE**

*clapclapclap*

Look at me!

*clapclapclap*

I'm still awake!

*clapclapclap*

At 2am!

*clapclapclap*

How tf!

*clapclapclap*

I do not know!

*clapclapclap*

Cause I haven't slept!

*clapclapclap*

Since Tuesday morn!

*clapclapclap*

Why you ask?

*clapclapclap*

Well you can thank!

*clapclapclap*

The cursed thing!

*clapclapclap*

Called classwork!

*clapclapclap*

It doesn't end!

*clapclapclap*

I have been!

*clapclapclap*

Working nonstop!

*clapclapclap*

For the last two days!

*clapclapclap*

I'm still not done!

*clapclapclap*

With half my work!

*clapclapclap*

I watch my sibs!

*clapclapclap*

While Moms at work!

*clapclapclap*

Cause Walmart needs!

*clapclapclap*

Essential employees!

*clapclapclap*

I think that!

*clapclapclap*

I'm slowly! 

*clapclapclap*

Losing my!

*clapclapclap*

Fing mind!

*clapclapclap*

End me now!

*clapclapclap*

Throw me to!

*clapclapclap*

The godd*mn void!

*clapclapclap*

It would be!

*clapclapclap*

Merciful!

*clapclapclap*

In comparison!

*clapclapclap*

To this hell!

*clapclapclap*

Time to crash!

*clapclapclap*

From exhaustion!

*clapclapclap*


	21. 5/2/20

To Lorelei+Hiroshi: don't worry. Im not suicidal... At least not actively. Passively, most certainly. But I'm not going to go out and take my own life.

So I'm back. This week has been chaotic in so many ways. Classwork was a f*cking nightmare. Its freaking cruel. My mom unintentionally got me readdicted to Pokemon Go. So that's kinda frustrating. We're in the process of moving into a new house, and I'm kinda excited about it. Its larger, I'll have my own room away from the kids, and the room has a DOOR. Because of this, as you can imagine from the mass chaos, I have not been sleeping. I have slept maybe 4 hrs in the last 48. I am currently a tired wreak. My collar finally died , so now I REALLY need a new one. *sigh*

So I made some realizations, and I'm not entirely sure what to think on it. There's a YouTube channel called Psych2Go, and the talk about psychology and mental illness in a way that's both informative and easy to understand. I'm apparently a HSP, short for Highly Sensitive Person, which explains a lot about me, such as my empathy. I made some confirmations/realizations on my family though, and some regarding myself. For a while now, I wasn't sure whether or not what mom has and still does would be considered abuse or neglect. As it turns out, its both. The way she directly treats me is technically abuse, and the fact that I had to learn to pretty much take care of myself as you as I did and that I have to help her take care of herself can be considered neglect. As for the realization regarding myself, it turns out that all those times I semi jokingly said I had crippling depression may have been more accurate than I thought. I never knew for certain, but I've always known it was extremely likely. I'm not gonna self diagnose, but I really think I might have MDD(Major Depressive Disorder), aka clinical depression. I recognized 7/8 major signs in myself, and have shown all of the signs not normally thought about(such as being easily and frequently agitated). As for a long timeframe of being in a down or low mood(have to be at least 2 months for it to potentially be MDD)(apathy moments count as low as it makes me just feel hollow and sick) well, I think my entries speak for themselves. So really, the realization that I'm basically MDD+HSP+Abused+Introverted explained a LOT. This is why I have trust issues. This is why my self esteem is dead. This is why I have lost all motivation for no reason. This is why my empathy/apathy screw with me so badly. This is why social gatherings make me feel nervous.

I'm going to try and sleep, I had work today and I had to move stuff to the new house, so I'm barely awake rn. I hope that all reading this are doing better than I have been.


	22. 5/10/20

To Lore: I've heard that song before. I like it a lot, its really catchy. I actually have a therapist rn, my third one to be exact(my other two vanished after my second appointment). The issue with that is that she is also my moms therapist, so yeah. We've actually had CPS called on us a couple times, due to neighbors being mad over something, but the worker basically said that it wasn't all that bad and that they had to deal with cases that weren't as bad as they were mad out to be. The thing is I'm pretty sure(which doesn't say much my memory is sh*t) that they barely asked me anything about what was going on(which isn't it their job to do so?)(pretty sure that took place during the time we were in a domestic violence situation so wtf?). I feel like it would be pointless and that even if I did at best nothing would change and at worst it would get worse. Even if they took me from mom they'd probably just place me with my abusive father. Maybe that's my trust issues talking. Idk. I don't have much faith in adults or the system. Besides, I'll be able to get away in just under a year, so. And as for doing better, I'm not really sure about that. My first entry was written during a breakdown, so yeah. I don't feel like I've changed much, although in some ways I feel like I've gotten worse. You'll see why in a sec.

This week has been long. We've been doing nothing but moving, and due to stress my self care habits got worse again. I've barely eaten, have barely been able to get my school work done, and due to stress my insomnia got screwed up again so that I feel like I get even less rest than usual, making me constantly exhausted. So yeah. Fun times. 

I mentioned that I had been looking into psychology last update, and I saw another thing that lines up. Apparently I'm going through one hell of an emotional burnout. So joy. That now leaves me at abused+MDD+HSP+introverted+emotionally burnt out+trust issues galore. Just what I needed.

So you remember how a while back I had relapsed on cutting? It happened again. I'm not proud of it. Its literally addicting. Its so hard to stop once you start. It took months to stop after I first started doing it, and my last relapse left me doing it for a couple weeks. I hate that I do it, but it distracts me from the hell going on around me. It sounds stupid, but I can handle the physical pain from my cuts better than I can handle this constant mental and emotional agony. 

Also, I found a song that is go painfully accurate(minus the being actively suicidal and coughing blood parts) that its not even funny. Its called Help by Pink Guy. Warning to any who listens to it, its REALLY depressing. Accurate, but depressing.


	23. 5/18/20

We've mostly moved into the new house now. However, I'm still overwhelmed by everything going on. I have an AP exam this week, have to write an essay by Thursday, finish my French work by Wednesday next week, and that's just what I have to do for school. I'm constantly helping around the house, and I keep getting interrupted while trying to do my work. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to get everything taken care of like I need to. I feel like if I can't than I really am as worthless as my father said and my mind makes me believe. If I can't at least do this than I really am a disappointment...

I haven't been able to take care of myself through all of this. My self care habits haven't improved in the slightest. I'm barely able to act like everything is okay as I go through each day. I'm so tired. So, so tired. While physically tired, this isn't the kind of exhaustion sleep can fix. I feel...numb, if that makes sense. Hollow. Its like I'm not feeling things as strongly as I normally do, and any positive emotions feel empty, I don't know how to explain it. It hurts so much. This emptiness, this feeling of being overwhelmed, this constant self hate. It always hurts. I've been crying to sleep every night, and while I have always been a crybaby, its almost never been this bad. Hell, I'm almost crying as I write this, and I don't even fully know WHY I'm crying. I hate this. I hate being like this. I wish it would end...

I've injured myself again, and I don't entirely know how. Some injuries I know how they happened, but the rest I have no clue on. I have bruises on me in places I don't remember hitting, like my back and ribs. They aren't that bad, but it hurts to move. It hurts to exist really.

How long will things be like this? People say things like this don't last forever, but this has been going on for as long as I can remember, and has only gotten worse over the years. I'm scared. What if nothing changes, and its always like this? What if things get worse? I don't think I would be able to take it if it got any worse...


	24. 5/22/20

To Lore: I've considered calling social services before, but was always afraid they wouldn't believe me. Now though, while that fear is still there, I feel like I can't. I have my sibs to worry about now. If they get me out of here, then they might try to put them in foster care somewhere away from me. I want to keep them together, and me and mom are really the only family they have left. The rest don't care. I have gotten a (another, this will be my third now) counselor, but like I said, she's also my moms, so I'm not certain if I can trust her with this. She would probably believe mom over me. I did ask once why she hated me. She lied straight to my face, said she didn't, and when I explained why I felt that way, she said I was overreacting. Personally, I feel like she thinks I took her opportunity to get a better life away. She's told me repeatedly how she had offers to do things she'd have loved but stayed here because she wanted to stay with me after I was born. I know she's toxic, but I can't help but love her, even if its f*cked up. Or at the very least, care for her. I may have loved her once, when I was little, but after everything that has happened I'm not sure if I truly do anymore. If so, definitely not in the same way was before. I'll try to stay strong. I couldn't get the link to work I'm crying it said page not found T - T

I found out how I got the bruises. My brother apparently hid wooden puzzle pieces in my bed and I rolled on them in my sleep not knowing they were there. AP exam went pretty well, although I would have been able to get more done had I been able to take the written version of the test. I'm a rather slow typer. I also got my essay done (at 3am holy sh*t), and my teacher will either laugh, face palm, or both when she sees it, as I went into faaaar more detail than I needed to. Not including citations, it was five pages lol. Still have to do my French tho FML. I hate that class. Haven't had the best sleep, and my emotions are still being batsh*t, but I've been eating a bit more, so yaaay slight improvements! We went to this little Asian grocery the other day, and I felt like I was in my own personal heaven they had SO MUCH good food. That might have been because I had only had a granola bar and a frappe by time I was there tho idk. Otherwise, not much has happened.


	25. 6/2/20

To Lore: I have actually used the date method before, and it has helped somewhat. I've also tried to use the method of putting my problems into a story, but then got in trouble for doing so, which is why my mother will never know that I am back on wattpad, where I was posting said story. 

I've updated my YouTube channel!! I've made a few memes with my OCS, and while they aren't great, I'm proud of what I've done considering I'm pretty new to it and I'm using the free version of Kinemaster on a ten year old tablet. I actually have subscribers wth. So yaaay.

I had another appointment with my counselor today, and OOOHHH BOY was that mentally exhausting. I spoke with her about my mother a bit(as in it took up my entire hour long appointment and I was in tears the entire time), and she straight up told me that what has been happening isn't okay. She legit encouraged me to get out once I'm old enough to when I told her I think that would be best for my mental health. That might be the first time I've ever heard an adult say something like that IRL wtf. I had a massive headache afterwards from how much I wound up crying. I think I might be able to trust her somewhat. I guess I'll find out depending on whether or not she tells my mom what I said when I made it clear I didn't think it would be a good idea for her to do so. We'll see.

I managed to get my hair redyed! Yaaay! I just use this cheap box dye, but I got it over a month ago and only got around to doing it again today. So yay my hair is back to a beautiful dark red instead of the awkward strawberry blonde with my dark AF roots showing.

School is over, and I'm NOT looking forward to my grades coming in, for French in particular. I already had a C in that class, and it was d*mn near impossible to do his work considering it was waaay harder online and I couldn't remember ANYTHING from French 1. So yeah. I'm f*cked. If I die, it'll probably be from my mother discovering my grades. Or stress. One of the two. Maybe both. Idk.

Mentally, I've been somewhat okay? Like still constantly on the verge of breaking down and all that, and still kinda numb, but that's just kinda normal at this point tbh. So idk really. I'm trying to take care of myself and put myself into a somewhat better place mentally (surprisingly, making my videos helps!), but I'm not sure how well its working.

I'm going to make another meme for my channel before I got to sleep. If you guys can give me any ideas of songs to use, could you let me know? Thank you! :)


	26. 6/3/20

So.... Today.... Well.... You're either going to laugh at me, wonder wtf I'm doing in my life, or both. Today started out normal. Mom got a call from some of my siblings family asking if we wanted to go on this trail with them and we agreed. So here's me, my mom, my sibs, my sibs aunt(?)(not exactly sure what she is tbh so let's go with aunt), and one of her kids, a nine year old. Well, the trail we were on was paved and had little unpasved pathways going into these creeks in a rockbed, and me and the nine year old kept exploring because why not. They're fun. Well, one little trail went across this creek surrounded by rock and up a small cliff into a cave. They said we could explore it so long as we stayed together while they stayed on the main trail. So me and this girl are going into this cave on the edge of a mini cliff with me shining my phone light into the cave so we could see as we went inside it. I jokingly said it would be cool if we saw a bat. I DIDN'T EXPECT A F*CKING BAT TO COME FLYING STRAIGHT AT US. Reasonably, me and the girl both decided to get the hell outta dodge. Remember how I said that the cave was on a cliff? Yeah... Had to stop the girl from slipping off the edge as I'm trying to make sure I didn't either as I was making sure the bat didn't try to follow us. I almost fell. So yeah. I got attacked by a bat and nearly fell off a cliff. Into a rockbed. Thank God I didn't. That would have hurt ;-; The adults heard us scream but apparently decided we were fine because they heard laughter. I laugh hysterically when on adrenaline. So yeah. That could had gone VERY badly, VERY quickly.


	27. 6/9/20

_Hey everyone, it's me, Snow. I'm writing today's update because Fallen isn't exactly in the right mental state to do so. Things have been mostly alright, but something happened today that thoroughly terrified Fallen and then sent her further into her depression. Basically, because of the pandemic, they couldn't send out report cards. They DID however tell parents to look at a site that tells them their kids grades. They weren't good, although some idk how she failed as she did the work. One of those was French, which she couldn't really be blamed for considering the teacher was the literal worst, and it got even harder online. So Fallens mom saw her grades, but it was her reaction that has Fallen terrified. Her mom normally spends hours, if not days, yelling and guilt tripping her over her grades if ANY are a C or lower(which is f*cking stupid but whatever). Instead she got a slight attitude and expressed extreme disappointment and left it at that. While a better reaction than expected, you have to remember that the yelling is normal, and what Fallen has come to expect after all these years. She's scared of what her mom will do next. The disappointment though... It messed her up. One thing Fallen has always struggled with is her self esteem. She literally thinks that she is nothing but a worthless mistake. She tried to validate herself by being who her mom wants her to be, but she's not able to. Its just not possible with her mental health in the condition it is on top of her extremely toxic mother. Now though... This broke her in a way, which I didn't think was possible seeing as the girl can be easily described as a shattered soul. She's given up. She's trying to accept that she can't be who her mom wants her to be, and that realization hurts. She's literally in tears as I write this, and nothing I say is helping. I'm not sure which is worse, this reaction, or that she held this back and acted like she was fine for nine hours. So yeah. I'm going to try and calm Fallen, maybe get her to work on the next chapter of her story or on a video for her YouTube channel to distract her. Hopefully I can get her to get some actual sleep tonight. Fingers crossed._


	28. 6/10/20

To sugarblossom, A201k, and Lore: thank you all. I really needed to see what you all wrote. Thank you so, so much. If I could, I would give you all hugs. Seriously. Thank you.

So, as you all heard, yesterday was... Bad, for a lack of better wording. I was pretty messed up afterwards, and holding everything back for hours until mom was in bed and I was in my room probably didn't help. I barely slept, even with my sleep aid. I'm still freaked out. Mom hasn't mentioned my grades at all, although that may be because her new meds knocked her out all day. Literally. All day. I took care of two toddlers. While cleaning the house. By myself. All day. But still, the point is is that I can't help but be afraid. For all I know, she might be planning on taking away the few things that she knows about that make me happy, and that thought is terrifying. She's threatened to make me leave my job before, and even with all the stuff I deal with there, I love my job. Most of my coworkers are great, and I love working where I do. She knows just how much it would hurt me to make me have to quit. But that fear is really minor to everything else going on in my head right now. I can't help but feel like giving up to a degree. All my life, I've tried to make her happy. That was all I wanted. And no matter what I do, I just can't. What the hell was the point if nothing I did mattered? I've tried my hardest, given up most of my childhood for her, just so she could turn around and tell me how I should have tried harder to do what she wanted me to do. Why is it that the one who was supposed to be there for me and support me was the one who repeatedly stabbed me in the back with a poisoned blade? I just.. I don't know anymore. I want to cry and scream and run away to somewhere she wouldn't follow me and I could be happy but I can't. There's nowhere for me to go, and I can't show my emotions around her because at best she won't care and at worst she'll say that I'm over reacting over nothing and get onto me for it. I don't know what to do anymore. I try to distract myself by working on my story and YouTube, but its can only help so much. I'm so, so tired of this. I just want it to stop. I just want to be happy for once without someone constantly tearing me down. I just want to be able to be myself without fear of others reactions. I just want to have a few nights where I don't go to sleep drowning in tears of sorrow and self loathing. Is it too much to ask...?


	29. 6/14/20

To sugarblossom: Thank you for your continued support. It means a lot to me to see that.

To Lore: Ever since you first mentioned calling social services, I've considered it more and more frequently. But there's two problems. One, there are so many branches that I don't even know which to contact, and even if I did, would they even believe me enough to help? I feel like with the state of the world rn there wouldn't be much they could do. Two, even if I did get help and was able to take care of my siblings, I'm not sure I'd be able to take good care of them. With me being as stressed out as I have been, my patience has long been at its limits, and you need a lot of patience with toddlers. If I can't take good care of them, I'd want them to be somewhere where they would be properly cared for, and I haven't heard good things about the system. I don't know what to do... I'm just so f*cking scared, and so f*cking tired of this, and it doesn't really seem like there is a truly "good" option in the end... I don't know anymore...

Not much to say today tbh. Yesterday was long AF. Woke up at 5am for an 11hr shift in comparison to my normal 8hrs, after not sleeping all that great. Again. Passed out within ten minutes of getting home. Spent most of today watching my siblings. Burnt my arm on the oven trying to get a pizza out. Twice. My arm hurts a lot now, but if nothing else, at least I got the pizza. I think I finally figured out what songs to use of my intro/outro on my channel, but idk for certain yet. I finished part three of my YouTube Undertale series a couple days ago, and I have an idea for my next video. So yaay. On a good note, I've got got my therapy tomorrow, and the online music class I want to take starts tomorrow as well. Hopefully it goes well... I'm going to try and sleep. Insomnia is being a b!tch and even when I DO sleep I don't rest as much as I should, so I'm an eternally exhausted mess, even more so after that work shift yesterday. At least I only get extra long shifts once every three months...


	30. 6/21/20

To Lore: I would do tiktok, but I can't because you can only use it on mobile devices and the only one I own that isn't monitored by my mom is my ten year old tablet that I'm honestly surprised I can even still use. ;-;

To A201k: I've been recommended meditation a while back by a friend, but was originally to busy to try it then forgot about it. I want to give it a try though. Hopefully I'll be able to try it soon. As for the kids, nothing keeps the peace for longer than 15-20 at max. The are adorable, chaotic tiny terrors.

I've been somewhat okay. My body apparently thinks that proper sleep isn't necessary for survival (it is), so that's fun. Rather ticked of about work. A few months back we had to ban a dog because it was a massive safety threat to everyone it was near. You couldn't do anything involving the dog, like moving it to a clean run, without some injury, whether it be a bite or its nails or smth. It was not a small dog. It was a Shepard. Come yesterday, here's this violent AF dog that not even the supervisor knew how it was admitted. One of the new people tried to move it and barely avoided getting badly bitten. Today was pretty chill for the most part, although I did see a bug that was basically nightmare fuel lurking in the bathroom. It had the head of a non dangerous bug and the body of a wasp and I still don't know wtf it even was. This is after finding three really large wolf spiders in my house over the last few weeks. I caught it and tried to release it outside, but the bug was mostly black and it was night so I couldn't tell if it actually stayed outside or if it came inside and I didn't see it. So now I'm kinda paranoid because the stinger, or what looked like a stinger, was big for a bug that size. Yaaay. I got another video posted on YouTube. It took ten hours to make and I couldn't get the timings quite right but I think I did well. I made cupcakes in a moment of insomnia deep at like 2am a couple of days ago, and while I was a tired mess making them, they actually came out rather good.


	31. 6/27/20

_Hey everyone, it's me, Snow again.... So update. Fallen's week was pretty good for the most part. She got some work done on her story, so yay. Not much really happened beyond that and her therapist sending her a book to help her learn to handle her empathy. _

_Then today happened. _

_So when Fallen moved, her new landlord said she wasn't allowed to have pets. Because of this, she had to make her 18 year old cat an outside cat to be able to keep him. She was leaving her house this morning to go to work, only to find out that the cat that has been a large part of her emotional support for the last six years had died sometime during the night. He only died from old age from what we could tell, but she has been in tears almost all day. To top it off, she couldn't take today off like she wanted to after that discovery because two people had already called in. She had a nine hour shift instead of her normal eight. _

_Ever since she got home she's either been crying or trying to eat away her feelings. Now? Not only am I worried, but also terrified, and I'm not sure if its OF or FOR Fallen. I think it's both. _

_Her emotions today seem to range from sorrow to numbness to extreme anger, and that last one has me freaked out a bit. I don't think she realizes how terrifying she is when she gets angry after something messes her up like this. I kinda feel bad for a couple of her coworkers, but then I remember the ones in question are normally pretty rude and have had it long coming. Today was NOT the day to pull that sort of thing. _

_I'm kinda worried though. The type of insomnia she has normally just means that her body doesn't rest. Its 4am as I'm writing this. She woke up yesterday at 5am. She has been awake for 23hrs now. Normally she tries to sleep her pain away. Not today I guess... _

_I'm going to try and get her to sleep._


	32. 7/1/20

Hey everyone, I'm back. As you heard, my cat of six years, who was originally my sibs dads cat before he died 2 years ago, died, and I didn't take it well. Still not doing great tbh but wanted to let you all know I'm OK, or as OK as I can be. I didn't move away from mom, we had moved to a new house a few months back. Mom has a boyfriend now, and I think that they are great for each other. Though if they get married like I think they might (I stg if you saw them together you'd think they were) I will have four more siblings minimum.... Dear lord.... I accidentally deleted gacha life and now I'm trying to remake my characters on gacha club so I can make my next vid. It hasn't been easy. Gacha club is complicated. I hope you all are doing better than I have been.


	33. 7/5/20

I'm alive lol. So the last two days have been literal hell. Why? Three words. Fourth of July. I didn't celebrate it myself because I'm personally just disappointed in this country, but everyone else in the neighborhood did. Loudly. With fireworks that are illegal in my area because they are classified as high grade explosives. For two days straight. I kid you not the festivity bombs went off from 5pm to 4am for two days. It sounded like literal bombs going off all around the house. And of course my luck has it that my work shift was on the fourth, so I couldn't nap during the day. I spent roughly 36 hours awake. Don't make that mistake, please. After the 24hr mark you just feel like sh!t, and it only gets worse from there. How tf my mom and the kids slept through the worst of it idk. I currently feel like crap because of that.

So I've learned a lot from the book my therapist sent me. Beyond meditation techniques and other things, empaths bodies apparently have slightly different requirements. For example, we need more protein, vitamin b, and vitamin c to be healthy. We also need a good few hours more sleep than most need in order to function properly, and empaths with mental health issues (like me and my depression) generally wind up going through frequent and intense emotional burnouts and overloads partially caused by a lack of sleep. No wonder I'm a f*cking train wreck on a good day.

So work yesterday was completely crazy. Beyond the fourteen pages on the treatment sheet and things getting added and not being marked down, and new girl trying to work as a nurse had a panic attack and had to work with us in the hospital for the day. When we were trying to calm her down, another nurse made a rude comment and p!seed off all the hospital workers. We all ultimately wound up bonding over our mental health issues and trauma. So yeah. It was something.


	34. 7/11/20

Things have been fairly alright lately. Sleep has been avoiding me more than usual lately, but that just seems to be an ongoing trend as time goes on. I literally only slept for four hours last night. I have been awake for 22 1\2 hours as I write this at 330 in the morning. Gacha club seemed to be trying to drive me crazy because it keeps crashing every five minutes, making it hard to make my next video. I took a a personality type test today, and I am right in the middle of two of the most rare ones, INFJ and INFP. Its rather interesting to look into. I got info on my haunt job, so I'm really excited for that. My haunt is one of the only ones opening, and we have a ton of CDC regulations to follow, but its worth it. Found another wolf spider in the house, making it the fifth in two months. At least this one didn't get an accidental amputation when I caught it before letting it loose outside*sweatdrops*. I lost one of my good earnings today at work, and now my piercing hurts like hell because it tried to close up in the two hours I didn't have an earring in. Not fun. 0/5 stars would not recommend. I now need to be tested for ADD, as we found out my mom has it. I got tested for ADHD as a kid, but never ADD. Otherwise not much has happened.

_So I'm kinda pissed at Fallens mom rn. As Fallen said, her haunt is reopening this season, and she loves her job. Her mom told her that if she gets a C or lower, even if its not her fault, then she would make her quit. This job means a lot to Fallen. Her coworkers there are all very kind and supportive of her, and she just finds it enjoyable as a whole. It may just be me, but I don't think that taking away your kids passion is going to improve their grades._


	35. 7/16/20

This week has been really good. It might honestly be the best things have been since my birthday, to which I must say, oof five months is a long time to wait for good sh!t. My sleep is a mess as usual, but moms bf has been staying with us and it makes things soooooo much easier when it comes to mom and the kids, as he is a huge help. My ear finished healing a couple days ago, and I got my new earrings yesterday. I got one pair like my original ones (small silver studs with a dark blue gem in it, where the ones on my old ones were light purple) and I got a pair of small ball studs(with the way they are made, they aren't coming out unless I take them out so I don't have to worry about a repeat of Saturday. Plus they are easy to clean which will be good during haunt season) so yaaay. I found a new fanfic I am in love with. Its an Undertale fanfic on here called I'm Not A Cannibal(its locked so you won't be able to find it unless you have an account on here) and I relate to the MC, a Horrortale Sans, SOOO much. Plus it has a really interesting storyline so far and it's been updating daily. I hope I'll be able to get my next chapter and video done soon...

On a side note, I'm honestly kinda curious about something rather stupid. Those who have seen my YouTube channel (if you havent its under FallenSnowNekomata go check it out) know that I reference some things about me IRL, such as my family relationship and my depression. So what if the two main trios of Dreamswap, Justice Reigns and the Meme Squad, ever saw my videos? How would they react? Like Justice Reigns would probably want me dead cause of the negativity, but they also show causes of the negativity(ie abuse), so how would they react to that? I couldn't help but wonder that after seeing some Dreamswap react videos on YouTube.


	36. 7/22/20

Things have been pretty good lately. Mom is engaged with her bf (it was quick, yes, but you can tell they are good for each other and that they will be together for a long time :) ). I'm really happy for them. Me, I'm not entirely sure how I've been. Like, things have been good, yes, and maybe its just me being paranoid, but I just can't help but be nervous. Like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Idk. Its just, every time things seem like they're getting better, something really bad happens and throws any progress I made on anything, from motivation to my mental state, out the window. At best I wind up at square one, at worst I get worse. I can't help but fear that its only a matter of time, you know? I keep trying to work on my video, but gacha club and my 10yr old tablet don't like to work together. I think I might take a break from it and focus on writing the next chapter of my story. I'm about half way done with it so far, so yay.

So I saw the Dear 2045 video again recently, and looking at how things are going right now, between the virus to climate change to the riots that have been going on here (I fully support BLM and Defund the Police BTW , if you want me to explain why let me know in the comments), I'm really not sure how much longer we're going to survive. If I'm being honest, we'll be luck if we make it to 2045. Like, with the climate change and how few people seem to care, its not a question of if it will happen anymore. We've been seeing the signs for years. It's an inevitability, a question of when. At best we might be able to delay it some, but in the end, the human race created its own down fall. To be blunt, we're screwed no matter what at this point.

Snow saw the above paragraph, looked me in the eye, and said wtf, then asked if I was OK. I asked her to define OK. Now I need to check and see if she's okay, as she just left the room with a face screaming holy sh!t.

OK now that I've vented a bit of my massive existential dread, that's all I've got today. I'm going to check on Snow, as I think I might have broke her.


	37. 7/23/20

Today was mostly good. Kids were adorable little jerks, but I eventually managed to get some time to myself. I did make one REALLY bad on my end mistake though. So my mom recently went to a local Asian market, and one of the things they bought was ramen. Well, instead of get some for each of the adults /almost adult, she accidentally got a kind that was too spicy for me to eat. Mom said hers wasn't too spicy and had cheese in it, so I thought I'd be fine. I WAS WRONG. I think at least half of my taste buds died today ;-;. Oof. 

I heard about one gachatuber today, who I am now legitimately p!ssed at. I'm not generally a violent person, I'm pretty pacifistic for the most part with the worst I may do being like a kick in the shin. However, when someone bullies someone to the point of suicide because of things beyond their control that they probably already felt bad about, and then proceedes to MAKE FUN OF THE PERSON THEY KILLED and have the gall to call themselves a good person? Yeah no. This person from what I've seen of their channel is a racsict, homophobic bigot of a brat who insults everyone because they believe they are better than everyone else. Newsflash: they're not. I stg this is the sort of thing that makes me lose my sh!t. That's not easy to do. I'm not going to call out names as to who they are, but in the highly unlikely event that they ever see this, I have one thing I'd like to say to them: Sarcasm by Get Scared. Listen to it, b!tch, and remember karma always comes to bite you in the @ss threefold.

So Lore said they were curious about why I view things the way I do (although I'm not sure if it was on the "we've killed the planet to the point we're f*cked", BLM, or Defund the Police). So, time to explain. 

On the matter of we're f*cked, we've known that what we have been doing is killing the planet for years. Since before I was BORN even. Its just hardly anyone, particularly those in power, don't give a damn. Where I live its supposed to be a moderate climate. I know its almost August, meaning its bound to be hot as sh!t, and I'm generally not great with heat, but even then it should not be so hot that I have to keep the fan on high in whatever room I'm in so I don't feel like I'm on the verge of a heatstroke while the AC is running at like 80°F. At this point we're either going to destroy the ozone layer to the point we all die from heat, die from corona, or really with our idiotic president he might just nuke us all. I'm mildly surprised he hasn't yet because he is a complete f*cking idiot when it comes to anything, let alone running a country.

Side note, the gacha b!tch I spoke of above? Yeah. Guess who they support.

Anyway, back on point. On BLM, I fully support them. I may not have experienced their struggles, but I have witnessed it most of my life. Me and my mom have always lived in lower income neighborhoods, meaning I've witnessed a lot of the things they are fighting against. When it comes to all lives matter, I do get the point they are trying to make, no one races lives is more important than another's. However, when one race sees far more brutality and far poorer treatment in comparison to others statistically, then there's an issue that needs to be fixed. As for blue lives matter, talking about how cops are quick to take violent measures because they are scared for their own lives and all that, they need to stfu. They chose to be cops. They knew what was at risk. They aren't out being cops 24/7/365. They can take the damn uniform off. Black people didn't choose to be black, and they are always going to be a target because of their skin tone unless we take action and end this bs. 

As for defund the police, not only are we over funding them, but we are also militarizing them. Look at how they have responded to peaceful protests. They can respond that way because we are giving the the money for military grade weaponry. If we defunded the police, not only could we use that money for so much, from education to mental health care to housing assistance, we could lower the insane number of things that cops currently have to do as part of their jobs. There's actually a video on YouTube that explains this really well, on a show that shows admittedly has a lot of similar views to my own. If you go on the YouTube channel Last Week Tonight and watch the most recent video they did on the police, it explains a lot. The host of the show makes the videos both informational and amusing, but he also knows when to be serious. I recommend checking them out.


	38. 7/30/20

Event wise, not much has happened. Had my therapy this week, which was mildly entertaining because I basically spent an hour talking about the madhouse that I call my school. Pretty sure my therapist is questioning a lot of things about my school now, so that's fun. Had two days free of human interaction at all, and they were GLORIOUS. That was the first time in months I've been able to relax for more than a couple hours. It was nice. I think I've found the college I want to go to. It has free tuition, and its in state, so if I go there I'd be able to graduate with little to no debt. I just hope I'll be able to get in, considering the acceptance rate is 35% and my GPA isn't the greatest after everything. I made a big decision today, and I need to save up a lot of money for it. So as I mentioned in a previous entry, I am a therian, a snow leopard kin to be precise. I decided that I want to get a fursuit. I want to base it off of my gacha oc, but I'm going to have to save a lot of money for one. A full suit generally costs at least $3000, meaning I'll have to save up for a bit over a year, but I think it will be worth it. I made another decision today as well, and I'm going to try and get my mom to let me go through with it. A lot of people think the BLM protests have died down for the most part, and I want to show them they are wrong. I want to start another protest here in my home city and show that there will be no peace until the police is refunded and there is justice for the innocents that have lost their lives by the hands of the police. These protesters are peaceful, and the cops think they can beat the sh!t out of them simply because it goes against their views? I think the f*ck not. A lot of protesters right now are in my generation, generation z, an OH BOY did they f*ck with the wrong generation. Seriously, we're the generation that got introduced by eating tide pods for funsies. We took millennials dark humor and mixed in a heaping tablespoon of nihilism. We bullied a serial killer with fairy emojis, flirt with the hacker group Anonymous who scares the government, trolled the president, and that's not even including what we have done during these protests. We don't fear death, and we most certainly don't fear the cops or the government. Seriously, if you go on YouTube and search "tiktok gen z revolution" or go on Google and look at the photos of "gen z culture" and you will see what I mean. Better yet, do both. Shit is going to go down, and personally, I want to be among those bringing change and making this country face the uncomfortable truth. Sorry that went the way it did, but this is something that I am passionate about and will always stand by.


	39. 8/2/20

I wasn't able to convince mom to let me go protest myself.

That doesn't however mean I'm not going to make this important message be heard.

I have been looking at how others have spread the word, and I am making a video on it now. It should be posted by either tomorrow or the day after, two days from now at the latest, depends on how long the screenshots and editing takes and if I can work on it during the day. I will let you guys know. Lore, or Alex now, you offered to spread the word if I was able to get a protest going, and I thank you for that. I never planned on asking anything from those on here, as you have helped me SO much since I first started posting on here. However, this one time, I must request help from you all, anyone willing to help spread the word. I'm by no means a motivational speaker or any such thing, but we need as many people as we can to speak up and share the message. There are literally lives at stake. This NEEDS to end, and I refuse to be on the sidelines of all this. If I can't be there in person, I'll spread the message online. Please, anyone willing to help, when I get this video out, spread the word. Share it everywhere you can, and encourage others to do the same. If they think we are going to let this fade without justice, they have another thing coming. 

We are the generation of revolution. Let's show them what we're made of.

#BLM #DefundThePolice #NoJusticeNoPeace


	40. 8/8/20

I only have two things to say.

1\. The video will be up soon, it took longer than expected.

2\. HOW THE F*CK WAS I SO OBLIVIOUS THAT I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS BI FOR ALMOST FIVE YEARS?!?!? I just assumed I was straight and never thought about it. No, I'm an oblivious bisexual. It literally just clicked in my mind today *facepalm* 

Side note, what would be the most dramatic way to announce to my family (most of whom I'm pretty sure are homophobic) that I'm bi? Like I have an idea, but I want ideas.


	41. 8/14/20

Um.... I got the video posted on my channel.... I didn't get to do what I wanted with it because my tablet is old, but I did what I could... Not much has happened... Still haven't told mom I'm bi, need to do that at some point...


	42. 8/18/20

Guys...

I need help...

Or maybe advise idfk...

...if*ckingfellinlovewithmybestfriendshessofreakingcutehalpwtfdoidoidkaaaaahsendhelp...


	43. 8/31/20

Things have been pretty good over here. Still in the closet yo my family, but I'll get to that eventually. I did a drawing on my Chromebook yesterday, and I'm really proud of how it came out. I might try to do some more soon. Mom and her bf had some relationship issues, but I think they've worked through them. My classes started last week, and so far I like them all. We're still on NTI, but the way it's set up is a lot better than it was before. My workload is going to be crazy though, since I'm in both a dual credit class and an AP class. At least I have a free period... My haunt will be opening soon, so I'm really excited about that. Otherwise, not much is going on.

So I was talking with my haunt friend, and she brought this up. Me and her both have our issues, and are both in therapy for them. Well, on here and to my friends its easy for me to open up about my issues, yet the moment my therapist or mom asks about it, I instantly, without even thinking about it, pretend to be fine. It's not something I do intentionally, it just happens. Its a rather common issue with trauma victims, and from what I've been told, unless you have a therapist who's really good at picking up signs that you aren't doing as well as you seem, it generally goes unnoticed. I like my therapist, she's the best one I've had so far, but she doesn't seem to realize that I'm not as fine as I say. I was telling this to my haunt friend, and she told me that's really common and why most peoples mental health issues go undiagnosed. When your coworker tells you that it's obvious to anyone who knows the signs that you have severe depression and are clearly used to hiding it... Oof... She legit looked me in the eye and ask how tf I wasn't diagnosed OOF...

Me: tells therapist I think I might have ADD(mom has it, so I have a high chance of it and show a lot of the symptoms)

My therapist: But is it ADD or your depression?

Me:points out that while I have been depressed a lot of my life, I showed the symptoms long before the depression really hit, so much so that I was actually tested for ADHD as a kid, and that a lot of doctors will say that you can't have it for whatever stupid and unproven reason.

My therapist: You still need to be actually tested for it

Literally all of my coworkers who work in the hospital with me: how tf have you not been diagnosed?? Its obvious?? To everyone??? TF???

This actually happened 😂 My coworkers were very confused by that.


	44. 9/23/20

I'm alive lol. Sorry I haven't updated in a while, things have been kinda rough. Haven't exactly been doing okay, but I'm trying. Have barely been eating and sleeping again, and broke down in front of my mother today. Fun. I'm trying. Everything is just really overwhelming rn and I can't focus on much of anything. Getting my school work done is so hard, but I'm doing the best I can. Keep having times where I question why I even bother trying pretty frequently, and that voice in my head that says I'm worthless and nothing I do matters just won't shut up. Mom is concerned, but its such an ingrained habit to internalize everything that its almost impossible to tell her just how stressed out I am. I'm trying my best, and I'm already scared to see my grades. I just want to scream and cry and sleep and just be able to ignore the world without any consequences. Not like its likely I'll ever be able to do that, but a girl can hope, right?


	45. 10/22/20

To Alex: Welcome back! I hope things have been going well for you :)

I'm back. As I'm sure you've noticed, I had to make it so only registered users could see this. Hopefully its just short-term. Mom has been being extra™ nosy regarding what I'm doing online. She went through my phone for no reason today, I was lucky she didn't see anything.

Things are getting bad again. I made a personal vent on a Google doc on my Chromebook, mom saw it, and flipped. While I will admit that some things on it were exaggerated because I was fighting a mental breakdown at the time, she took one look at it and started twisting my words and saying that I had "issues" I needed to talk to my therapist about. What led to this Google doc? So a few days back mom asked me about a search from my Chromebook on how to delete search history from one. I didn't, and still don't, remember making said search, and I told her as much. Why would I need to make that search anyway? Everyone knows how to clear their browser history. She started telling me how I was a liar, that if I kept lying she'd make me quit both my jobs, and that I was ruining her relationship. Things went into a tense sort of peace after that, but I was really stressed after a bad day and made the document. Keep in mind that when I get on the verge of a breakdown like that, my depression and suicidal thoughts act up more than usual, which showed on the doc. I made that document with the sole intention of deleting it afterwards, and I told her, but she wouldn't listen. She took my chromebook after that. Things were "peaceful" today, but I doubt it'll last much longer. I still haven't gotten my Chromebook back. She said that I was putting her on the same level as my dad and that I sad my siblings were a burden, but I didn't. What I said was that she could be kinda controlling while calling her out on the empty promises she made and that I can't be expected to have great grades when my mental state is in shambles and I'm the only one typically taking care of the kids. Mom is always either asleep or in the shed. What am I supposed to do?? She wouldn't even give me a chance to explain myself to her. She never does. She never let's me speak without cutting me off, and when she does she twists my words until I'm the bad guy over something said or done with no ill intent and I-

I don't know what to do anymore...

It hurts so bad, but I can't show it, because then she'll probably just say that I'm trying to make her out to be the villain, which I'm not. I know she's doing it with the best intentions, but that doesn't make it any less painful.

Update from the next day because I meant to post this last night and fell asleep, I did get my Chromebook back today.


	46. 11/4/20

Things have been a mess lately. My grades haven't been getting much better, and because of that, mom hasn't let me work the haunt for a month now. But that's the least of my concerns right now.

So moms relationship has been messy lately, her boyfriend accusing her of stuff she didn't do and refusing to believe that all his "evidence" was because her phone got hacked. Well, mom went to help him pack because he needed to move, and they apparently got into an argument again. He threw a hissy and left her. At his house. With no way home. At four in the morning. Keep in mind it would take her four hours of walking in really bad neighborhoods to walk back here. As if this wasn't bad enough, her health hasn't been good lately. She has an inflamed colon rn, and they can't see her for it until late January. Its messed her up badly, she's in a lot of pain. So she said she's going to walk home, and I'm terrified.

Something feels WRONG. It might just be paranoia considering my emotions have been running high all day, but i doubt it. Paranoia doesn't feel like this. This is the feeling from bad fights, from when moms health gets bad from her GI problems, from right before things take massive turns for the worse. Something bad is going to happen, idk if to me or to the kids or her, but whatever it is its BAD. I'm fucking scared. I don't know what to do. I'm at home right now with my siblings, writing this at five thirty in the morning. I haven't slept, and I really need to, but I don't think I'll be able to. I'm fucking shaking. I'm fucking terrified for her, I'm scared of what might happen in general. I don't know what's going on. I haven't heard from her in over an hour, I don't know if she's okay or not. I'm just really scared right now. I'm so fucking scared, and idk what to do. Hopefully I'm just being paranoid, and I'm freaking out over nothing, but idk if that's the case, and its terrifying. 

My neighborhood, her bfs neighborhood, and all the neighborhoods in between are NOT GOOD. They are very much in the hood, and its really dangerous to be out at night out here. Like, these are neighborhoods where you hear gunfire at least once a week. Its that kind of bad, but I make sure I at least have my mace whenever I leave. Mom doesn't have any kind of protection right now. Anything could happen, and that's TERRIFYING. 

I'll let you all know what happens tomorrow, hopefully I'm freaking out over nothing.


	47. 11/5/20

Update on yesterday. 

Good news. Nothing happened last night, I guess they talked it out some and he brought her home this morning. She went back tonight to keep helping him.

Bad news. The feeling I had of something about to go really wrong never left. If anything its getting worse.

I'm exhausted. I slept maybe three hours max last night, and boy have I been feeling the effects today.

I'm also kinda fricking mad. I ordered two pizzas from papa johns that cost like 40 dollars for me and my siblings. I didn't get my pizzas. I got someone else's order, which I wasn't able to tell the delivery driver was the case because they never even rang the doorbell or knocked. The best part? The one pizza I got was a pepperoni pizza. The problem with that is that me and my family are vegetarian. At least I got cheese sticks and a cookie, I guess


	48. 11/11/20

To sugar blossom: thank you for the hugs :)

I wish I was writing good things today, but... I can't. Not really. Not without lying not only to you all, but myself as well. I'm tired of lying to myself. I hate lying in general. That's why I'm open about things on here.

Here's a rant and swear warning. Its not gonna be a happy or just random topic rant. Its gonna get really heavy, really quick.

Things haven't gotten much better since I last updated. Mom has gone to the hospital a couple times since then, but they haven't been able to do anything yet. Her bf has moved into the house, and he's supposedly going to help with the kids. I don't have high hopes honestly. I'm pretty sure its just going to be the same as before, me taking care of them and trying to keep things from falling apart, with more trash due to there being another person. You know how I've been trying to get my schoolwork done? I've been failing. Badly. I'm trying. There's so much to do, in so little time, while everything seems to be going wrong, and mom's words of how no college (the main reason I want to go to college is to get away from here. Honestly, so long as I work with animals, I'll be happy. Maybe as a dog trainer or a shelter worker? I don't even care about pay all that much, if I earn enough to have a small apartment and food on the table, I'll be good) will want me with grades like mine, and its just so overwhelming. I think she's mainly upset just because it makes her look like a bad parent. I want to get the work done. It would be so easy, and wouldn't take that long to do, if only I could get myself to do it. I can't. I've been trying. Mom doesn't believe me. Mom just gets mad because my grades aren't good, I don't do the things she wants unless I'm reminded (I have the memory of a goldfish, even more than usual when stressed), and that I'm spending all my time on YouTube instead of doing my work. She tells people this too. What she doesn't get, what I can't tell her, is that I'm on YouTube because just the thought of my work at this point stresses me out so badly that I just want to curl up and cry because it feels impossible to do it. There's too much to do, too little time to do it, and I have to take care of the kids because if I don't then who will? She keeps saying that she'll help out more, but then she never does. She does this all the time. I might as well be my siblings parent at this point, because mom is almost always hiding out in the shed nowadays. Like, I understand it right now, cause she's in a lot of pain, but she's been doing this for months, long before her current issues started. I'm on the internet all the time because it let's me escape from this bullshit that I call my life. And it's not like I can tell her. What's the point? Its not like she'll ever fucking listen to me. She hears me, but she never listens, and it hurts so much. I'm so tired of this. That feeling of something bad about to happen I had? Its only gotten worse. I'm scared. Things are about to go really, really wrong, and I'm going to be the one suffering the consequences. I don't know how I know, but I do. Like I've said, I only get this feeling when things get BAD bad. The question is though, what are the consequences, and will I be able to get through them? When I first started having this feeling, I thought so. I thought it was like before. But I'm not sure anymore. The feeling just keeps getting worse, so there's no way its paranoia, since that would have gone or at least lessened by now, it wouldn't have gotten worse. Its never gotten this bad before, which is terrifying considering the worse the feeling, the worse the event. Hopefully mom and my teachers will forget the conference at least. I doubt it, but that's all I can hope for at this point. I'm so tired of all of this. I just want to give up. I've barely been sleeping, which is annoying. I'm even tired of sleeping, to a degree. I either don't want to sleep, because if I do I might dream which would give me an escape just for it to be cruelly ripped away upon waking, or I don't want to wake up when I sleep, because then I won't have to deal with this. I feel bad. Because of my stress and lack of sleep, my temper has been getting worse, and I've accidentally taken it out on my siblings at times. I feel like a terrible big sister. These kids deserve so much better than this, better than me. 

I don't know what is going to happen, but for now, I'm going to focus on writing my story. If something really does happen, I at least want to update it before it comes to that.

I hope everything goes well for everyone reading this. *sends online hugs, because we all need them at this point tbh*


	49. 11/26/20

Things haven't really changed much since my last update. I got some of my work done, but not a lot, and there's still so much to do. Spent Thanksgiving with family, and it was kinda alright. I've never been close to most of my family, and I don't really want to anyways, so I pretty much just ate and passed out on my grandma's couch. Because, you know, we still have to celebrate as a family even though there's a pandemic going on and we don't live together. *rolls eyes* Moms been the same lately, and her bf hasn't done much to help, like I expected. Hopefully that'll change in the future? Idk. I've learned its best to keep my expectations for adults low. My mental health hasn't been doing well. I'm trying to not think negatively, but with everything going on its been hard.

Have a happy Thanksgiving!! :)


	50. 11/29/20

Boy do I have a story for you all. 

So not even six hours after my last update, its about 2:30 in the morning, I'm almost completely asleep, and mom comes busting into my room crying and telling me to call 911. It turns out that her bf had flipped over something and slammed her into the couch in the shed, broke her fingernail, and broke her phone. She took my phone and called the cops, and I followed her outside where he's calling her a slut and a whore and that shes getting me to lie for her while he's moving his stuff that he's been storing in the shed into the driveway. He then threatened to call the cops and tell the she's throwing his stuff into the street, and then does so AS HES MOVING IT. Cops come, ask the typical questions and bf got arrested for short term due to covid for 4th degree domestic assault.

The thing is, he's a good guys. He has his issues though. He has a drug issue, not heroin as far as we know, but mainly meth with some LSD. He also has untreated bipolar disorder, and those combined are really bad. Mom told him if he wanted to stay with her he needed to gt treated for both issues.

Come Saturday, work was good. We had a cane corso puppy, and she was the sweetest. I wanted to take her home. I also finally got some vasaline (petroleum jelly) for my fingers, since they've been drying out to the point there was a ton of raw spots and places here the skins split, which hurt alot. The Vaseline has been a lifesaver, my fingers may go back to normal in a few weeks at this rate. Anyways, back to story, I get home from work and there's the bf. He immediately got teary eyed and apologized for everything. Hes getting into treatment for the drugs as soon as the good local place has an opening, so within the next week, and last I heard he was going to talk to a therapist.

Today was pretty good. We found a really pretty pittie today that we got back to its owner, so that was nice.


	51. 12/14/20

First off, holy sh!t its been a full year since I started this wtf. Thank you all for staying with me through this, especially you, sugarblossom, you've been here since the beginning.

Second off, I'm currently trying to decide what I want to do more: sleep, break down, or fight god.

Long story short, the situation here has led to a lot of anger from both me and mom (hence, fight god) and really just emotions on the high in general. The bf did not go into treatment, and at this rate i doubt he will. On top of that he still is barely helping out around here. High emotions and multiple loud arguments between mom and her bf are jacking up my own mental state, and oh boy is that not fun. Even when I don't hear the fights, I can feel the tension they cause, and its messing me up bad. I keep alternating between fight god and win level of rage and curl up in a ball and cry mentalities, and its not like I can actually do either because A. I have to get like three classes worth of work done this week, B. I still need to take care of the kids, and C. I don't think god wants to fight rn. I feel like such a sh!tty sister, I've lashed out at the kids on accident multiple times now, and I'm pretty sure they are scared of me to a degree because of it. I wouldn't blame them if they were. I try to stay calm and not get mad at them too much when they misbehave, because I know that they're just toddlers, but all of this is just leaving me constantly agitated and on edge. As you can imagine, the poor mental state has one again led to a poor sleep schedule, which is probably not helping my case.

I think mom noticed me going into a bad state, but I don't think she knows how bad it is (or she's underestimating it again, wouldn't be the first time) and she's too overwhelmed herself to do much to help. I'm fing tired of this. Why can't things just go right for once? I got out of an abusive situation with my dad, and we got out of a domestic violence situation with my siblings dad(he was a good guy, but his issues messed him up bad before he died), and now it seems like we might be in another. I'm just so tired of this.

Mom told me earlier that when she says that she doesn't get any help around the house, she isn't talking about me. It feels like it though. Even if I know those comments aren't directed towards me, it still hurts. I'm doing the best I can, and it just doesn't ever feel like enough.


	52. 12/31/20

Happy new years everybody. I hope things are going well for you all.

Things have been complicated here lately. 

Good news, Christmas went well, got a drawing tablet and some resin molds, so that's cool. Also I wound up naming my reader OC in my main fic, so now I can call her Nova instead of Y/n. 

Bad news, sh!ts been getting pretty real. The situation with moms fiancé has gotten worse, so much so that if I see him on the property I'm immediately calling the cops(I may not like the cops and have had a lot of bad experiences with them, but they're only like a few minutes from my house). It turns out that the bs that he's been pulling is way worse than I thought. I don't want to go into all the details, but it turns out that not only was he stealing from mom and put his hands on her a few times, he's also repeatedly threatened her reputation, threatened her life, threatened my family with CPS, and repeatedly, as in F*CKING DAILY, gone to f*ck seemingly everyone on not only a certain well-known-but-not-for-good-reasons dating app, but also on f*cking Craigslist. Now my mom has to be tested for sh!t because of this @sshole. As normal, this took its toll on me. Eating habits are getting worse again, and I can't focus on anything, which isn't good considering how much work I need to catch up on. So yeah. Its been a mess.

I'm going to try and get my next chapter on my fic done either tonight or tomorrow, but idk. I'm almost done, but it's hard to actually do it when things have been like this.

May 2021 be better then 2020.


	53. 1/2/21

So my new year is starting out really, REALLY badly. As in there's a life at risk kinda bad. The ex fiance has apparently "casually" said to my mom that she's going to get killed while messing with his gun on multiple occasions. The man is literally a psycho on drugs with a gun. He won't stop sending mom messages, and while I don't know what they say, mom is hysterital and convinced that he's going to kill her. I wish I could say that was unlikely, but I honestly think he's going to try to. I don't know what I'm going to do if he does. The only family member I know I can rely on is old, really old. When my great grandmother dies me, mom, and the kids won't have anyone. No one else in my family cares. If mom dies, she's going to be our last line of support left. I'm f*cking scared. I don't know what to do. I'm scared for mom and her safety, and scared for me and the kids wellbeing, I'm just really, really scared right now.

Me and mom went to a funeral today. A close family friend, who might as well have been an uncle to me, had an overdose a couple of weeks ago. It didn't really sink in until today that he's really gone... Its been rough today. Really, really rough.

I hope everyone's new year is going better than mine so far.


	54. 1/7/21

Good news and bad news.

Bad news, the ex is still messaging mom. Frequently. It's screwing with her badly. I can barely focus or sleep because of all this. To make matters worse, mom had to get tested for STDs because of him, and we won't get the results for at least a week since blood work takes a while.

Good news, mom got an EPO on him, which considering he's already violated it multiple times and mom has to go to court because of the last time he hurt her, he's going to be in a lot of trouble.

Best news, I have a new device to use. I had been using a really old tablet for this account, but I recently was able to factory reset my old phone, meaning family link isn't on it anymore. The timing worked out great because the tablet officially died the day before I got the phone reset. What makes it better is that it's a relatively new phone, so system wise it's working great. The only issue it has is a cracked screen.

So yeah, that's the latest news. Hope everything is going well for all reading this.


	55. 1/10/21

Don't you love it when your parent decides to scream at you to wake you up? Yeah, not fun. Especially when parent in question knows I have issues regarding sleep. And also knows (but seems to frequently forget) that I don't handle yelling/screaming well (especially angry yelling) due to many years of trauma. Yeah that's what I've been waking up to lately, with the exception of my work days.

Things have been pretty good otherwise lately. I'm really nervous about tommorow. I have to take this really important, three hour long test called the NOCTI. Basically, it's a certification test, and I have to get at least a 53% on it to pass. Last time I took it I got a 51, so I'm hoping I do well. Wish me luck :)

Also I was just informed that I show a lot of signs of complex PTSD and I'm not sure how I feel about it, even more so after looking into it and having a moment of "I feel so called out rn that's not good". 

Hope everyone is doing well. Have a good day/night :)


	56. 1/18/21

Things are going alright as of current. Definitely failed one of my classes, but I didn't have high hopes for it TBH. Otherwise, it's been good. I'm caught up on my work for the new semester so far, so that's good. Mom got pretty drunk after an incident with a Karen employee at the local Walgreens yesterday. So as I've mentioned, mom is bipolar af. Because of this, she takes medication, and it's dangerous for her to go on and off of it so she has to have a regular supply of it. So she was a couple days late picking up her prescription refill because kids, and she went to go get it. The Karen ignored my mom standing there waiting on her to acknowledge her presence for an hour, got an aditude when she did finally talk to mom, and told her that since she was late they had to refill her prescription and it was too late to do so since they closed in a hour, and that maybe if she really needs her meds she should pick them up on time. This was a someone in the pharmacy saying this. Wtf is wrong with people to do sh!t like that? So mom got pretty upset from that, and then drank about a bottle and a half of wine. She doesn't do this often, thankfully. As you can imagine, she had one hell of a hangover, and she was out cold almost all of today.

So I have a question. Rn I have long hair that's to a couple inches below my shoulder blades. I want to cut it short so that it's easier to manage, like really short. Think how girls pull off boyish cuts. But the issue is that I have a really round face, and most if not all people I see with those cuts have thinner faces. Can any of you think of a cut or style that would look good on a round face? I don't want a pixie cut, but I want it short, and I don't know what could look good :/ long hair with the hair type I have is hard to manage


	57. Chapter 57

This week has been pretty good for the most part. I've been able to keep up with my school work. My therapist said she's going to help me get officially diagnosed for my depression and get tested for ADD, so that's good. Me and mom got our phone bill down to where it should be today(the ex messed it up badly). I was finally able to order resin and some molds for it, so I can get started on that soon. Maybe if I get good enough with it I'll make a business out of it. IDK 

Bad news, mom isn't doing well. She's always had intestinal issues, and rn I'm pretty sure the doctor said her organs are shifted down and forward where they aren't supposed to be. She needs a surgery to fix it, but she can't even get an appointment with a surgeon until February, and they are probably going to want to do tests before they do the surgery, and that would take a while. It's really hard for her right now. She's always tired and hurting, and she can't get better until she has the surgery. I hope it all will get taken care of soon.


	58. 2/11/21

First off, it's my birthday!!!! I'm now officially an adult! Yay!

Secondly, things have been going really well so far. Mom's been helping out a lot more, meaning I'm able to focus more on my school work, so I'm doing well on that. It turns out I didn't fail the one class, so that's good. I'm currently trying to apply for a thing called JobCorps, which is a government program here in America where I'm from that basically gives young people with low income a way to train to go into needed job fields at no cost to them. If I can get in, it will be really good. I might be getting a tattoo soon. I have two that I want to get. One is a somewhat realistic somewhat cartoons skellemal cat with a heat by either it's from paws or it tail that I want to get on my upper arm to honor my cat that died during the summer. On my back, by my shoulder, I want to get this picture I found where someone combined a Heartless from Kingdom Hearts and a Kanto Ninetails from Pokemon. It looked really cool, I don't have the picture on this device sadly. I was able to post a new chapter on my story tonight too! Yaaay!!!

There is some bad news however. I had started to have these weird neck twitches a couple weeks ago, and they are happening all the time now. These aren't small twitches either. These are like full on muscle spasms in my neck that jerk my head into a different direction. The twitches themselves aren't painful thankfully, but they are making my neck sore, and are generally just really annoying :/


End file.
